Brad Pitt to do the World a Solid in 3 Years. Alternate Title: Happy Monday!


Brad Pitt. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Whoops! I fell asleep on my keyboard. Sorry, it’s not my fault that Brad Pitt is so boring. Other than being name checked in a SHANIA TWAIN song (hot tranny 90’s mess!) Brad Pitt has accomplished nothing. Actually, strike that…Mr. Pitt just MADE MY DAY!

Real Talk: My fellow writers, gossipmongerers and ne’er-do-wells in the entertainment biz are some chatty skanks,  it’s a smaller world than you think. Word on the street is Brad Pitt is one dumb dummy. It’s been common knowledge for years.

I guess that’s why every time I watch an interview with him I want to vomit. His overly pouty DUMB face, spewing crap about politics, “the craft of acting” all while he simultaneously pretends to be above it all. It’s horrible.

Years and years ago, when he starred in Legends of the Fall, Pitt was gorgeous. Like a Michelangelo painting he was otherworldly in his beauty. Matter of fact, he was so beautiful, hundreds of thousands of children are named Tristan, after his character in the film. Sure, America will say it was the name they fell in love with…but we all know those kids were named after those abs.

He was so beautiful that he promptly began trying to distance himself from his chiseled good looks, something he still does to this very day. From 1994-on, Brad Pitt has “fought the hot.”

We all “fight the hot” sometimes. Be it looking extra sick so the boss sends you home early, or farting loudly right as your lover slinks over to put the moves on you, there are times we’ve all fought the hot a time or two. But Brad Pitt’s stupid self has done so for 18 years. There are college freshmen that were born AFTER Pitt gave up being handsome.

And then there’s his “acting.” O LERD! It’s terrible. There’s a reason why Brad Pitt doesn’t have an Oscar…because your nearest highschool understudy has better acting chops, than this buffoon. He’s just the worst.

It appears Brad finally got all my script notes, because homeboy announced over the weekend on Australia’s version of the television newsmagazine 60 Minutes,  that he’s quitting this snitch in 3 years.

In 3 years, when Pitt turns 50(!) he is putting down the hatchet stepping away from acting.

He added:

“I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together,” Pitt says. “Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher time otherwise.”

Basically, just like his urban legend dad Robert Redford,  Pitt is going to move to the other side of the lens because he can’t stand to watch the metamorphosis of his once beautiful face into catcher’s mitt. Oh sure, he’s an egoist, so he’ll make some vaseline-covered post retirement acting appearances, just like Redford still trots his beanbag face out every once in a while…no doubt, the memaws will cheer and whistle. While the rest of the world is collectively bummed out by the  facial ravages of passing time.

Hooray for three years from now! Bon Voyage Bradley Pitt! I can’t wait for you to scram.


Just to recap : Brad Pitt is not hot, can’t act, and is an idiot. Don’t agree? My Site, my rules. FREEDOM OF SPEEEEECH!

(The real star of the video is the fashion!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


Brad Pitt to do the World a Solid in 3 Years. Alternate Title: Happy Monday! — 4 Comments

  1. Always hate to anger the Grouchy Muffin, but Brad Pitt’s (Pitts’? Pittses? Pittsuses? Grammar is not my strong suite) turn as the direct descendant of the Mountain Man Jim Bridger, Lt. Aldo Raine, in Inglorious Bastards, is the greatest acting job in the known history of jobs that require acting.*

    *This statement has been verified using Sensitive Scientific Instruments.

  2. All hail Science! Listen, dissention in the ranks is ALWAYS welcome…however in this circumstance I think you are mistakingly in love with Pitt’s performance as Lt Aldo, when it is truly Tarantino’s words you treasure. Pitt was overly hammy and clenched in his performance. The Character was rad though. So I’ll give you that.

  3. It’s funny how you have all these statements about brad but you don’t have any arguments and when you do they’re all just your own opinion ok well accept for the oscar award thing, but still why would he be so praised for his acting if it were soo bad..? Sounds a bit like you just picked a random actor and began whinin about it, no offense to you but I do think your overreacting a bit haha 🙂

    • I’m a Pitt hater. Have been since i was let down by leaked pictures of his underwhelming peen in the mid-90’s.

      Good thing this is my personal blog, otherwise I’d have to back my opinions up!

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