Pour One Out For the Youth of Today

Tampons and Vodka don't mix.

Is there anything more hilarious than local news? Unfortunately dressed reporters each day toil away at a job few people care about, why? For fame! Local fame. Oh, and they care about the viewers.

A go-to trick of the local news trade is to manufacture hysteria about non-epidemics involving teens. Specifically, about what teens do for “kicks.” They find an obscure idiot teen discretion and sensationalize it. The local news “reports” are passed off  as informative because inevitably there’s a poorly edited interview with some bleary Doctor dug up from the graveyard shift at the local ER.

The latest in blatant sensationalism comes to us courtesy of CBS Channel 5 in whotheflunkcares Las Vegas. WATCH AND LEARN!!!!

I Just can’t with this foolery, I really can’t. It’s two flurking weeks ’till Thanksgiving and I’m orchestrating a Huge Thanksgiving Family Meal for 30…5 hours away from my home kitchen. These local yokels are not going to waste my time garnering a comment.

Well, maybe just a few comments…

  • The Anchorwoman is a living treasure. Absolutely breathtaking. When Angry Baby is a teenager I hope I look as devastatingly fresh and beautiful. 5 bux says her glamorous turtleneck is a bodysuit.
  • Reporter Elizabeth Erwin needs to stop pilfering the clearance rack at TJ Maxx and Start taking tips from the stylish  and exquisite Anchorwoman.
  • My Favorite Quotes from the NEWS report were: “No Gag Reflex.” and “A super tampon can hold a shot of Vodka.”
  • Did anyone else notice this segment is called “The Straight Story?” (I’ll leave it at that.)
  • Kids today are ridiculous. Everyone knows the quickest way to get drunk is with a beer can hat. HELLO!?!

All that being said, I can’t but help worry that this FRIGHTENING NEWS STORY sells the method of tampon booze delivery, rather than prevent it. Some of you readers are sick puppies and felt your mouth begin to water and buns tingle as she described the benefits of the dangerous deed. To those of you perverts that are considering a JUMBO PACK OF VODKA SOAKED Tampax to launch into your no-no hole, I say: DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lest we not forget the true meaning of booze? It is to be savored, sipped, slugged, chugged and flowing. You don’t take booze out to a nice steak dinner, bring it home and pull the shades down, if you know what I mean. Enough ingestion of Vodka is supposed to culminate in things being inserted…Talk about putting the cart before the horse.  Kids today.


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Pour One Out For the Youth of Today — 4 Comments

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