So it’s come to this…Alternate title: The Death of my Childhood Hero

SAVE YOURSELF, CARMEN! FLEE TO LA PAZ!!!

Jennifer Lopez. Is there any horror more terrifying? Between the suck-fest movies, judging on American IDLE, the tone-deaf caterwauling of her “music career” and the alleged 2 ton, solid-gold , EGO…she’s hideous. Why, even Stephen King would have a hard time conjuring up something as awful.

I’ll give the snitch credit on one thing, and that’s staying relevant. Keeping a multi-faceted entertainment empire intact while possessing no discernible skills, is a feat that shouldn’t go unnoticed, she’s been able to stay alive, y’all! But then again, I give cockroaches pretty much the same credit, those jerks live through NUCLEAR FALLOUT. So, I guess roaches and JLo. are even in my book.

Sadly, this morning Jennifer is cackling in her bathtub of virgin’s blood, because snitch has gone and murdered my childhood. Pour one out for your youth this morning and call the following official announcement a bullet in all 20-30 somethings fond memories of being a kid.

Deadline Hollywood Reports the following:

“…Walden Media has acquired rights to turn Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? into a live-action film involving Jennifer Lopez.”

Yes, you read that foolery correctly. Snitch is allegedly going to squeeze her ham-hocks into the famous red trench coat and fedora(!) donned by the Empress of Educational software, CARMEN SANDIEGO!! Actually, there’s talk she’ll only produce, but you know how this virus hooker works, she’ll say “Oh I want to play her for my accessories kids!” mark my words, Lopez will be Carmen.

Wrong doesn’t even begin to describe this mental atom-bomb placed at my doorstep. I’m sorry Hollywood, but just can’t with you anymore. I QUIT THIS B*TCH! To the talented agent and friend, Ross Firestein…I say: PEACE BRO!

Hollywood you’ve out done yourselves with this barrel scrape. It’s an all-time low…J. Lo!!! (crowd groans)

Here are the kernels of corn details in this dung log of the script treatment (so far)…

When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?

Carmen Sandiego was the greatest video game (you were allowed to play in class) of the late 80’s early 90’s. It was so popular that not only did it spawn a ton of interest (not really) in geography…it got its own game show on PBS! (And a cartoon later on.)

The television show was on for years, and featured dumb kids, average kids, and kids that made YOU look like the dumb kid. My personal favorite was the Chief played by the late, great, Lynne Thigpen. The chief was a tough-talking strong sister who didn’t play. She threw shenanigans and bad answers the side-eye and made even the most arrogant smarty pants, quiver.

Forever in our hearts.

Lynne, I’m sorry you’re no longer with us, but I’m super glad you didn’t have to see “Jenny from the Schlock” take a big J.Lo all over the legacy of the Carmen Sandi-F**KING-ego

Whiskey Tango Foxtrox, Hollywood: J.Lo at the helm of a Carmen Sandiego Movie? Are there no other wood shavings you can harvest from the bottom of the nostalgia barrel!?

Shouldn’t you be digging up action atrocities from 80’s prime-time television, rather than software/beloved children’s geography game shows?

HAY!!! WHAT ABOUT AN AIRWOLF MOVIE!?!?

STILL got Borgnine = THERE'S TIME!

Friday morning, it’s a good thing you are a Friday morning. Because if you weren’t, I’d take you in the break room and smash a carafe of hot coffee across your jaw.

Oh Carmen Sandiego, Hollywood, Fodor’s, and the fates…how could you!? JLo. getting her entitled mitts all over this project can only mean one thing: It’s doomed to fail. That being said: I’ll probably buy a bootleg copy of it in Times Square.

I leave you with the real question on our lips this morning is: WILL ROCKAPELLA BE INVOLVED!?

They are this project's only hope.

And because it combines 3 of my true loves: Rockapella, Folgers and The Home Shopping Network enjoy this lil’ gem!!!


Comments

So it’s come to this…Alternate title: The Death of my Childhood Hero — 5 Comments

  1. They’re not really going to do an Airwolf movie with JLo, are they? I mean, you just brought up that totally awesome show- which still kicks a$$- in this tirade to prove a point, right? Right? #panic

  2. Rockapella better be in on this! That was my first thought….

    “Steal their Seoul in South Korea and make Antartica cry ‘Uncle!’ From the Red Sea to Greenland, they’ll be singing in the blues….”—That’s my favorite part.

  3. That show always made me angry because I was really good at geography and I never understood why those idiot kids couldn’t put the right beacon-thing on the right country. I imagine its what Ted Williams felt trying to teach others how to hit.

    Rockapella always threw me off because of the guy with the beaded braids.

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