I hope you didn’t eat breakfast.

The least interesting man-child in the world.

Happy HUMP day my beautiful babies! Boy, do I have a humdinger of a non-bombshell for y’all! Justin Bieber has been named in a BABYDADDY lawsuit!

Seems 20 year old Mariah Yeater has filed a lawsuit forcing the singing chipmunk teen phenom to submit to a DNA test. She was 19 at the time of the alleged encounter, he was 16. According to Radar Online, Bieber had his goons pick her out of a crowd at his sold out Staples Center crowd and met with her backstage. The rest they say, is disgusting.

Because I know most of you little piggies are still gorging yourselves on Halloween Candy as you read this, consider the next portion of this post my vomit inducing weight loss gift to you. There are details of the alleged encounter. Hilarious details.

“After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to ‘fu*k the sh*t out of me.’ At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.

In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ‘feel everything.’ He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”

Goodbye will to live, and hello: nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.

Seriously, where do I begin!?

For starters: I am completely lurving the Virgin Bieber/ Evil Bieber plotline. I mean really, I want this whole sad story to be true just so I can imagine him saying “I wanna F the S out of you!” I’m not kidding, that shiz is comedy gold. I can picture him now, standing on his big boy stool in that little Alvin and the Chipmunks voice of his. Sweet Satin! Please let that hilarious tidbit be true!!!

And don’t get me started on the Biebs don’t wear a jimmy hat line of reasoning. What an idiot. You’d think a kid that shimmied out of Ushers musical uterus would be smart enough to wrap it. Lest we not forget when Usher knocked up that tranny and was forced to marry her a few years back.

You know, the fact that this woman came out, and has signed documents promising (under penalty of perjury) that this shiz is legit and actually happened, had me convinced. Because she was 19 and he was 16 at the time, it’s not like this is a legally convenient situation for her, so I’m inclined to buy her tale.

That being said: There is TOTALLY a liar in this story…and it’s the Biebs. Specifically, when he claimed he was a virgin and she would be his cherry poppin. Why do I know this?

30 seconds of hastily delivered fluids, pawing, grunting and then done? Clearly he’s a seasoned pro. Matter of fact, are we sure the Biebs isn’t a married man? Because he sure shags like one. HEY-OOOOO! Amirite Ladies!?

But good line Justin, gotta get yours! “Whatever it takes to give the ladies the shakes,” is what I always say!

True Story: I was having lunch with a friend a few weeks ago and he confided in our table that he thought “Justin Bieber and Guy Fieri were talented motherf**kers.” Mind you, he was stone cold sober and not being ironic.

Sometimes even the Crib Keeper is stunned silent, this was one of those moments. Turns out he was right. Justin Bieber is talented. Talented at knocking up hotties in 30 seconds or less!

Way to go Mariah Yeater, you have shown the world that the singing chipmunk with a heart of money is able to order up tail on the regs. And also gave us the bonus gem of knowledge that Bieber only lasts 30 seconds. Tip o’ the Stetson to you lil’ Mama!

Tip o' the Stetson to ya Bieber's Babymama!

And now for the sobering part of this episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks:

If Biebs only takes 30 seconds to impregnate women, at the rate he’s going (no doubt an army of skanks an hour) the planet will be populated with Bieber Babies in no time. Mark my words, this is how the world ends.

I for one, welcome our fetal future overlords.

Oh Baby! (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

Nostalgic Palate Cleanser!!!

via radar online


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