Welcome to another “Afterschool Special,” the series where we delve into the less hilarious side of babywrangling. Fear not, we’ll be back to fart jokes just as soon as I get this lil’ issue out there.
There are two sides to Angry Baby: Sweetcheeks and Lil’ Buttcheeks. You can probably surmise by the names which side Angry Baby likes to favor most. And while Angry Baby has never been afraid to let her rage flag fly free, there is one “Baby Issue,” we’ve been lucky enough to almost completely avoid…Diaper rash.
Lil Buttcheeks’ baby buttcheeks have been alabaster dinner rolls for the majority of her life. Sure, we’ve had a few chapped close calls, but nothing a quick dab of Desitin Instant Relief couldn’t cure in one application.
And then out of nowhere, she got a stomach bug, (me too, ugh!) For those of you that don’t know what “stomach bug,” is code for, let me fill you in.
“Stomach Bug” only means two things…
1. You don’t want to go to work and decide to dust off the always clever and unpredictable “Stomach Bug,” excuse when you fake-sick call in. Spoiler Alert: Everyone uses “Stomach Bug,” come up with a new lie America!
2. Explosive, biscuit-burning, sh*ts.
Angry Baby and I had the latter. Let your imaginations run wild, and try to guess how many posts and comment replies were partially written on the crapper (I’m a multi-tasker after all!)
Anyoversharings, this “bug” left her buns rosy, and I have been vigilant in keeping those cheeks painted in protection. And then sometime last night, she developed a raw spot on her inner bun shelf.
This morning I saw it, cleaned the wound and put a protective layer of antibiotic ointment. I also let her buttcheeks roam free for an hour (incident free!) to air out. Since then I have applied a layer of Desitin and diapered her. I’m refraining from giving her acidic foods today (citrus, strawberries) and later she’s going to get a bath to soak in. But I’m clueless as to any other remedies, special soaks, care etc.
Oh sure, I can look it up on the internet, but everyone knows it’s filled with crazies (present company included.) I know thousands of eyes read this each day, and many of you have kids. Surely those of you with experience in babywrangling have some tips, tricks and or home remedies. I’m really trying not to web-research it, because I’m just sure I’ll read a million “Call your pediatrician, not the internets” snarky comments. I’m all ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And honestly, if I don’t get any feedback and it doesn’t appear better after lunch, I’m calling the doc’s office…but I really DON’T want to be the mom that calls in about diaper rash. They already throw my disheveled azz shade when I walk in, I can only imagine the jokes they’d have with me then.
Thanks in advance for the seemingly day-one advice. I’ve been lucky to have ol’ iron buns until now, this hunka hunka burning butt is bumming me out (British slang pun and it stays!)