Kicking Texas Sports in the Cubic region.

Well, I’m back from my journey on the bullet train to heck, AKA all day on the road with Angry Baby, and while I’ll soon regale my tale of torture and terror, I owe a certain CAPTION THIS CONTEST WINNER, his post on request!!!

When we last left off, I had announced the winners for our first ever caption this contest! The prize is a post written about any topic the winner requests. How do you know this isn’t some crazy make-em-up scheme? Because our winner(!) Dan, requested I write about sports. Something I could give two J.Lo’s about. Actually, here’s what the always hilarious Dan specifically requested:

How’s this for a topic:  The dizzying heights and depressing lows of being a sports fan in Texas right now.

I mean, the Rangers just lost when they should have won (but they did go to the World Series…), the Cowboys just lost when they should have won, the Houston Texans are having a mediocre season, A&M just lost to Missouri, UT is losing to everybody, there won’t be any NBA basketball in H-town, SA or DFW at least until December… I’m left to either watching soccer on Telemundo or following hockey, Crib Keeper.  Hockey.

The only bright spot for me in all of this is that I’m kicking butt in my fantasy leagues which, as I’m sure you know, is basically Dungeons and Dragons for former highschool football jocks like me.

Awww man, SPORTS!? Ok, a deal’s a deal so heregoes…

If you live in Texas, you already are a lucky person. Between the beautiful vistas, lax gun laws and Tex-Mex, it’s a pretty nice gig being Texan. Well, until Mark Cuban decided to unleash his cruel  glory greed curse on Texas professional sports.

Many of you might not know this, but Mark Cuban is an ancient evil, much like  Mumm-Ra, the ever-living from the cartoon, Thundercats.

Sure ”Mark” Real Name: Goria of Tantara has taken the form of a Herman Munster-jawed billionaire douche, but make no mistake, Goria has a cult of followers that do his vengeful bidding.

(I rest my case.)

Anysports, Mark Cuban has put a dark curse on the state of Texas professional sports. Why? Because he hates seeing anyone collectively rejoice, unless it’s for  him or his precious Mavericks. In a nutshell, Mark wants to make sure: No other sports teams in Texas get any sort of glory that might possibly take away from the MAVS WIN.

Take a look at the facts:

Earlier this year the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championships, while the world watched a billionaire’s hobby team beat another billionaire’s hobby team, we were blissfully unaware of the impending lockout. And now? Thanks to the CURSE OF THE CUBAN, there is no basketball. Wait, are those magnificent lesbians in the WNBA still hoofing? If so, I’m sure there’s plenty of room in the bleachers at the next game!

And the Football. Apparently the Arlington Cowboys have had a hard time since Troy Aikman decided to hang up her jersey. Nah, I’m kidding. but apparently the CURSE OF THE CUBAN made them blow it the other night. Awww, don’t let my foolery get to you, Dallas fans…I’d make a joke about the Houston Texans, but no one would show up to hear it (HEY-OOOO)

You know what, Goria of Tantara er, Mark Cuban was right to curse the Texans with a “mediocre season,” you know why? Because the city of Houston is a terrible city for professional sports fans, we’re total apathetic dix. Oh sure, the Texans have some hardcore fans…it’s just that soooo many of us just don’t care.

And then there’s baseball. The Texas Rangers not only went to the World Series, they got as far as any team possibly can WITHOUT closing the deal. Heartbreaking? Sure (if I cared about those dudes chasing balls for that thing!)

It all makes perfect sense now. Cuban “CUBED” us. Every team in Texas is cursed until Goria of Tantara Mark Cuban decides to move on to the next bright shiny object. Thank goodness I don’t care about sports.