Busted and Rusted

Poor Hugh Hefner, bless his senile heart. Seems Hef and his magazine, Playboy have offered Lindsay Lohan a little under 1 million to shuck her clothes and show the world what we don’t wanna see her birthday suit.

Of course because Playboy and Lohan are gonna ride this train of publicity until the busted wheels fall off the busted track, no one is confirming anything as of yet. But sources say, the deal is totally going down. (No, Lindsay…not that kind of deal.)

People, it’s TUES-the-Extreme Day I’m sorry I started our day devoted to LIVING LIFE IN THE EXTREME(!) with this nonsense. I can’t help it, in my professional life I get paid to throw shade at this trick, so old habits die-hard.

I really just can’t with this news. I have a few things to get offa my chest about this foolery.

1. Could we please make sure Hef is still running a pulse? I say that because Dina and Lindsay Lohan remaking Weekend at Bernie’s with the gnarled corpse of Hugh Hefner is more believable than this crap.

2. Almost a meeeeelllion dollars to drop her draws and let her hang-lows tumble to the floor out of her brasiere? Um, hello Captain Senile and Playboy, SHE TROTS THAT SHIZ OUT FO FREE ON THE REGS!

3. Five bucks says she’s chopped up and snorted her advance check by now.

4. I’d rather pay $7 (price of a playboy) to have a hobo shoot me in the kneecap and pour fire ants into my mouth as I screamed from the pain.

5. There are no doubt people rejoicing reading this post (sickos as I like to call them.) People that plan to purchase and lustily ogle the cracked out set of luggage known as LINDSAY(!) To you I say: save your money and visit your local skid row. Real life junkie hags are way hotter than print.

In these stressful times, everyone can take solace in the fact that a hardcore drug addict whose only true talent is blaming others, can get almost a million dollars to show what the world (and any human with a dimebag) has already seen for free. USAUSAUSA!!!

Real Talk: Playboy needs to stop pissing money away on the low hanging fruit and pool the funds to make a miracle happen. The miracle I am talking about is simple: Christina Hendricks and Sofia Vergara pillow fight in a shower filled with baby oil on a bear skin rug.

Make it happen people. Kick the ghost of Lindsay Lohan to the curb and get working on the Vergara-Hendricks nude photo shoot. America Needs this.

This proposed photoshoot so needs...

to be greenlit already.