Say Hello to “Call her a cab in the morning” Barbie!


This morning, I was reading my favorite new gossip site the twist, when I came across a vision so lovely, I am writing about it this very moment. Mattel and tokidoki have teamed up for TOKIDOKI Barbie! Behold her hipster make-over!

tokidoki Ta-da!

Here’s how Mattel describes this vision in plastic:

“tokidoki® Barbie® doll is always ready for cutting-edge fashion! She pops on a pink miniskirt, logo leggings and black top with signature skull heart and bones, carries a large bag from the brand, then adds bracelets, a belt, and sky-high sparkly silvery shoes! This funky fashionista features trendy tattoos and a pink bob. With cactus friend, Bastardino, by her side, she’s ready for fun in fashion-forward form!”

True Story: I went to a wedding this past weekend and one of the guests was the queen of hip, she was tall, slim, half bleached blond/ half-raven black hair, she was wearing SUPER HIGH HEELS and  had a hankerchief bright purple mini-dress on. Hipster hottie had the very same map of tat on her porcelain skin, it was exquisite. The best part was when the CLASSY BROAD saw me standing there admiring her ink, she turned around to show me a 12 inch tattoo on the back of her calf..It was of a near-naked sailor in hot pants, his buttcheeks hanging out of the bottom!

Maybe it was the romance of a perfect wedding, but I wanted to marry that snotty skank on the spot. I mean, A NEAR-NUDE SAILOR on her body forever? It’s like she and I are the same person!!!

Unfortunately, I’ve already got an old man and baby, so I’d never fit into her “rock’n roll too cool for u fool,” lifestyle. Sigh. Besides, she was mugging down with and feeding cheese cubes to a greasy vision in a 3 piece dookie-brown polyester suit. Trust me when I say this, he was a treasure. Some oily, goat-beared dudes have all the luck.

Whoops, talk about a tangent for you first thing in the morning! Allow me to get back to the issue at hand:

This super-cool and hot new Barbie with all of her fashion and tattoos is ticking off tons of parents and parent groups. It figures, parents always ruin everything!

I guess the haters are worried their children will grow up and get into tattoos. If that’s the case, I’ve got some sad news for you Mom and Dads, nothing will stop your kid from getting tattoos. Take me for example…I had every novelty Barbie out there from “Crystal Barbie” to all of Barbie and the Rockers  guess what none of them had? TATTOOS. And just what did I get the summer I was 22? A TRAMP STAMP. So suck it ink-hatin’ haters, your kid is gonna grow up and do what they please to their body, stop throwing shade at tokidoki Barbie. She can’t help it, y’all.

It’s not her fault that:

  • She looks like a Lisa Frank version of Lil’ Wayne.
  • She has a cactus pet named Bastard.
  • Her “fashion” is easily procured at Hot Topic.
  • She’s a  kind of Kat Von D/tampon applicator hybrid.
  • Her lips are right out of the Linda Carter Maybeline Moisture Whip commercial.

FYI: She obviously doesn’t have THAT many haters, cuz snitch, EVEN AT 50 bucks a pop, is SOLD OUT

Don’t worry Harajuku lovers, there’s going to be more released in November.

And to everyone screaming that this particular Barbie is a horrible influence for young minds? Let me remind you of this chilling fact: the original Barbie was modeled after a German comic strip sex doll So technically, all Barbies are disgusting.

Because let’s face it, we all know where tokidoki Barbie will end up. In an elderly fancy lad’s glass collector case, naked and disheveled on top of a pile o’ micro machines…that kinky snitch.

Parents of the world, if you want to hate on a specific Barbie, hate on THIS ONE The $150.00 Christian Louboutin Barbie

Stop it.

Great. Teach your children to worship zillion dollar shoes on a busted tranny mess re-hash of Britney’s “Ooops I Did it Again” video costume. Boo. PS Louboutin Barbie: STOP MAKING THAT SEXY FACE, you look like you’re holding in a fart.

Real Talk: Christian Louboutin shoes remind me of two things…

J Lo. and  people who live outside of their means. Neither of which I like to associate with.



Say Hello to “Call her a cab in the morning” Barbie! — 2 Comments

  1. I had an “I hate Barbies” club when I was 6 or 7 years old. It consisted of me and also an androgynous male science nerd and a hippie girl named after a tree with a middle name straight out of a J.R.R. Tolkien book.

    Then I read on Wiki that some Dr. did research suggesting that all girls end up hating Barbies and putting them in microwaves, as a rite of passage that disconnects them from their childhood root/past.

    So I feel better now that my friend Ashley and I torched a Barbie using Clairol hairspray and her mom’s lighter years after my “I Hate Barbie” club. Maybe since I never liked them, I will one day, like when I’m 80 years old?

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