Diners, Drive-Ins and Dipsh*t

Only In his wildest dreams.

So Guy Fieri fired some producer dude named David Page who has decided to talk to the press about it. Turns out the man so many of us have come to hate know as host of Food Network’s Diners, Drives and Dives or whatever the heck it’s called, is a real Guy Fieri douchebag.

Here are a few of the beans spilled about America’s Fart Cloud Guy Fieri, I’ll discuss them one by one.

According to Mr. Page, Fieri is a total corn horn dog:

Page says.  “Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When  cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line,  because it’s always on breasts.”

Listen, I’m  the last person that wants to be sticking up for Guy Fieri, but I must state on the record, I don’t see the problem with boob-oogles and sex jokes.  Wanna know why? Because I have the inner maturity of a 14 year old. Matter of fact, so do 75% of humans on planet earth. I say “big whoop.”

That being said, the next alleged item of dirt that this former producer dude is claiming, I do have a problem with.

Page is saying that Fieri needed advance warning when fancy boys and diesel girls were in his midst…

 Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri,  who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff. “Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life  partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay  people without warning! Those people weird me out!'” From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews.

What a flipping idiot. In what world is gay dudes in love who opened a restaurant, weird? Hello, Guy Fieri: You come from the food service industry.

You shill for TGIFRIDAY’S MCAPPLEBEES FATTY FUN TIME PARADE. And you’re gonna act like fellow humans in love is what creeps you out!?

I just can’t with you bro, you’re too much douche for this lady. Take a seat Mr. Fieri, class is in session:

For starters: You have frosted tips and use the phrases “dog,” bro” and “off the chain.” As for jewelry, you have the tastes of a visually impaired early nineties gangsta rapper, the style of an elderly frat boy and the voice of an unpaved road covered with razor blades. The whole douchebag burrito act is not cute.

You’re a father for crissakes.

And let me just say on behalf of all my fancy lads and ladies out there:

Guy Fieri, you wish. You’re obviously “creeped” out by the gays because you’re afraid they be creepin’ you. But trust this: Even the drunkest bear at the “Manhole” wouldn’t hit that. Why? Because you my friend, look like the bloated corpse of Corey Feldman and have the intellect of tapioca. Nice try though.

But yo,don’t sweat it bro, I’m sure there are some skeeves (like me) that could be persuaded into a “Fire on Fieri” make-out session, by a bottle (or two) of Riunite.Or I should say:  I WOULD HAVE Riunite-Drunk hit that until I heard what he allegedly said about the CHOSEN PEOPLE…

On Jews: “Guy said to me: ‘You know, it’s true: Jews are cheap.”

So a guy named Guy who doesn’t like guys who love guys works in the entertainment industry and has made MILLIONS doing it, has the NERVE to call Jewish people cheap.

Hmmm…this dude is dumber than I had originally thought. 

I’d say boycott gay-hatin’ Guy and all the preservative-ridden death bites he peddles, but I know 99% of you are not buying that shiz out there anyway. To the 1% (those that love Fieri) don’t worry, I’m into eating horrible things in the fridge well after they are considered edible. Seriously, Lover fo’ Life has to be in charge of cleaning out the fridge because I think it’s all “still good.” What I’m trying to say is, Who am I to judge? I’m disgusting.

Argh, naked Guy Fieri bathouse nightmares here I come. Gotta love the images the creative process conjures up.



Diners, Drive-Ins and Dipsh*t — 4 Comments

  1. You’re a savage. Just saying…. leave this man alone. you know that producer is just lying on this man….. he is obviously a gay jew who hates the the beautiful things called breasts and is intolerant of non jewish persons. he is just mad he got fired. guy is no adam richman, rachel ray, or andrew zimmern, but hey he does his thing…. if guy wants to hates jews, pray to the ss dark beast beezelihitler, dislike sword fighting, hate the petshop boys, not “get” the crying game, and think boy george had horrid taste then that is his right. i feel personally that guy looks like stylistically what would happen to bernie from weekend at bernies had he not died. regardless the show puts ass in seats and that guy can cook. you suck for not liking him. next your going to hate on nick cage you harpie!!! you can take our lives but you cant take our springsteen!!!!!

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