Bottle-Buggering Beetles Be Rocking That Booty! (cringe)

Do it 'till you're shriveled, dry and burned out.

In Australia, the Jewel Beetle is dying off at a rapid rate. The male Jewel Beetles are screwing themselves to death, quite literally.

Every dude in the world is fist bumping these beetles.

Let's get it on!

You see, they have a problem with discarded beer bottles littering the countryside, and the beetles see the brown shimmer and go crazy. LOVE CRAZY!

Do it till your satisfied.

The textured bumps at the bottom of the bottle, reflect the sunlight in such a way it replicates the natural shimmer of the female Jewel Beetle’s wing. The biological response triggered in the male beetle causes them to see the beer bottle as a “super female” Jewel Beetle. The beetles then dry hump the discarded beer bottles until they die from starvation, exhaustion or are burned by the hot sun.  Willing to dry hump a piece of trash out in public until you drop? Why, that sounds like yours truly at Fleet Week!

I respect these Jewel Beetles, and personally salute them for their complete dedication.

Tip o’ the Stetson you champs, keep rocking the bottles and don’t listen to what those pesky entomologists say.

Tip o' the Stetson to you, horny lil' buggers!

Get your groove on you crazy beetles! Why I know just the CLASSY BREW to BANG! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Behold Patrick Swayze in his finest role, EVER. (And yes, I’m including Red Dawn!)

Pabst Blue Ribbon, the beer of choice for hipsters, grouchy muffin readers and my senior year Economics teacher, Mr. Pivonka. In class, Mr. P used to drink straight whiskey out of his coffee mug and through the reliable syndicate of teenage spies, was discovered to spend 150 bucks a week at the grocery store on beer alone, he bought nothing else. Of course, years later Mr. Pivonka was fired. Seems he got arrested for stealing his neighbor’s riding lawnmower at 3:00am in the morning and driving it home drunk (the cops apprehended him on the stolen mower.) I’m sure he’s on skid row or dead by now, just the way he wanted it. You see, “Cowboy Roy,” as I dubbed him, was no ones patsy, he lived his life the way he wanted, pickled in booze. Sigh, childhood memories!


Bottle-Buggering Beetles Be Rocking That Booty! (cringe) — 2 Comments

  1. Hahahah P Vonk!! His girlfriend stole his neighbors weed eater. I remember him spilling his coffee and it smelling like straight alcohol. I used to live down the street from him and he would always be outside doing random shit.

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