Older ladies are doin’ it! (Not what it sounds like!)

Kathie Lee Gifford, door open or closed?

It’s pretty clear that HOT and CLASSY don’t disappear with age. Matter of fact, I want to talk to you this morning about two classy broads that are showing us all a thang or two…These are SISTERS THAT ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEMSELVES!!!

This morning, while trolling the internet for fresh, steaming nonsense, I came across an interview with the precious treasure, Liza Minnelli where she discussed if she’d ever get married again:

“No, I just see a few people. I have a couple of people and I aint saying anything else, so let’s not go there.

Why on earth should I get married? I can’t have kids. When you get to a certain age it’s not important anymore. It’s different for everybody, but for me it’s just ridiculous. If you love somebody, you love them.”

I hope it’s not too early for your skank radars to see what Mama Liza is telling us, but if it is allow me to offer my translation. (my native language is trollup)

Here’s what Ms. Liza (WITH A Z!!!) actually said (mere speculation on my part)

“I get mine, snitches! I gots men in erry city, y’all! Marriage ain’t my scene yo, cuz I gots to be free to do mah HO-STROLL!”

So all my single ladies and bois out there? STAY GOLDEN. You see, you’re like a beautiful rainbow who can’t be caught. RAINBOWS GOTTA BE FREE TO SHINE! And while you’re at it “date” several skanks upstanding humans at a time.

The world is your dumpster Manhattan Apartment!

Imma do me.

And in other wild and untamed rainbow news:

Yesterday, a reader sent me a story about Martha Stewart that made me immediately love her. Gone was my assumption that she was one starched and pressed straightjacket away from the loony bin. I realize now that she is a graceful swan who is rightfully considered a lifestyle guru.

Alexis Stewart is theice cube that Martha squeezed out of her fridgid-there decades ago daughter of Martha Stewart. If you aren’t aware of Alexis’ potty-mouthed, deadpan snark, you should check out the new book she’s trotting out. The tome is titled: Whateverland and is chock-full o’ tidbits about Martha as mom. One in particular caught my eye…

“[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!'”

Again for those of you who might be groaning “I’m sooo sleepy,” into your pumpkin spice latte, lemme break it down for you…

Martha tee tees free as a bird, she refuses to be caged by societal norms! Whizzing with the door open? It’s a good thing!

Don't pee on my glee!

Real talk: I’ve been an open-door tee tee-er for years, and now that I have an Angry Baby, it’s almost required. Lover fo’ life is a good sport about it, he does however hate that I insist on rejoicing “Aahhhh muuuuuch better!” as I pee. Without fail, 93% of the time my groans of relief causes him to yell from the other room: “What are you doing in there, you sicko!?”

It’s not my fault he doesn’t recognize the supreme relief and joy of emptying a full bladder. But I digress.

Martha Stewart, being the doyenne of distinction and domestication, takes my humble little love of urinating with the door open to a new level. She pees with the door open when guests are over! What an overachiever! Martha, you are a true beacon of beauty and inspiration! I couldn’t ever pull that off, I have a pesky thing called a basic regard for other humans= I’M TOO WEAK.

I’m so inspired by these two SISTAHS that I’m wearing my yoga pants in public today. I don’t care how “busted college co-ed” my azz looks, I’m doing it for MYSELF!  

Your turn kiddies: let’s get out there and much like Mama Liza did with manogamy: kill it!

Your Peein’ Pal,

The Crib Keeper


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