Goldilocks is throwing shade at this girl.

No, really it was a bear, I SWEAR!

Local news, while irrelevant in this digital age is good for one thing: it’s still hilarious. Of course, because they are dying for viewers, the station won’t allow me to embed the following video. Trust me, you’re gonna want click on this link…without it, the rest of my post will make little to no sense.

California tween, 12-year-old Kara Jackson was ditching school home sick Wednesday when she heard a clamoring in the kitchen…

Kara went to discover what the noise was and found a 150 lb. brown bear, looking for honey, surly 12 year olds to eat, food. Lil’ bit thought fast, ran back upstairs and called her “papa bear” at his office, who then called 911.

After rooting around for food a little while longer, the bear left the house on his own.

Um, Kara. I have a few issues with your story.

Your kitchen looks a dang mess. I’ll bet you just wanted to get out of cleaning it. Seriously, the bear peaced-out because his CAVE was cleaner than this heck-hole. I’ve got a tip, if news crews are going to be filming inside of your house, you might want to freaking put the box of pop tarts up. Kara, it’s called having pride in what other people perceive to be the way you keep your house.

Sure, my kitchen is one  “bear visit” from being on that show Hoarders, but I’m not putting my hot mess express out on the local (yokel) news. A local newscast that will no doubt be picked up by hyenas like, yours truly.

Are we 100 percent sure this wasn’t just a tale made up by a 12-year-old opportunist who doesn’t want to clean a horribly messy kitchen, just like she didn’t want to go to school?

And why was she painting her nails when police arrived?

“Oh yeah y’all, I saw a 150lb. bear in the kitchen, ahhhh!!!!  Now, lemme go paint my nails.”

Look Kara, I want to believe your beary interesting tale, but I’m dubious at best.

True Story: Jojo messaged me yesterday and said: “Have you been watching this coverage of the 12-year-old girl who found a bear in the kitchen??”

Me: No.

Jojo: “OMG their kitchen is a WRECK! I can’t stop laughing at these filthy people.”

Me: You had me at filth!

Thank you Jojo, for the laffs. I really was feeling bad about the way my kitchen looked until I got a load of the chores lil’ Kara Jackson has been shirking.

So this morning, while you may be lamenting your existence and dreading work, look at it like this: You could be like the tired, sad ol’ Pepaw news reporter in the video.

Dearest Jim Nash, I really wish news hadn’t evolved thus leaving your “NEWSMAN” act, out of touch and hilarious all at once. Chances are you went to college for your career path, and now after all these years, “Workin’ the beat of hard-hitting news,” you’re stuck interviewing 12 year olds who obviously are smarter than everyone in the game…well, except this skank right here.

See, I’ve got your number Kara Jackson, and while I think you were a little sloppy with your “story-telling,”game respects game.

In the interest of full disclosure: when I haven’t waxed my eyebrows or ladystache, I resemble a bear. Throw in fresh cheeses and meats? I go grizzly. What can I say? I’m a she-bear hongray for SWEET MEAT!!!!!!!!

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