Clearly, I’m insane.

Ready for the cover of Newsweek.

You know the best thing about getting a window into the world of living with an Angry Baby? When the spit hits the fan, you’re far away from the action.

It’s gonna be one of those weekends you’ll be SOOOOOO GLAD you’re not me. You see, this weekend…I’ve decided to look Karma in the face and spit in it, allow me to introduce you to the worst idea of 2011, AKA “My BRILLIANT PLAN!”

Our family, like any good Texas stereotype, has a cattle ranch 30 miles out of Stephenville Texas, which is a good 5 1/2 hours away. The Liberty Longhorn Ranch, in addition to being a full-time casa for family also has a massive public ground. It’s been used for weddings. The family enjoys the 750+ acre ranch collectively to hunt, gather and celebrate. There’s 2 ranch houses where family lives 365 and a full separate bunk house with 5 bedrooms and 5 baths. just for visiting fam.

It’s where we spend Thanksgivings, 4th of July, Halloween, Easter etc…”The Ranch,” as I call it, is my absolute favorite place to be on the planet. I know, I’m always throwing curveballs at you people.

This weekend the family is gathering for a beautiful wedding with reception shindig afterwards at the ranch. The wedding is at 11am the reception should be wrapping up by 3 or 4pm.

Because the ranch is crawling with family, friends, guests and wedding preparations, we’ve decided not to stay the night. I had the brilliant idea of leaving at an UNGODLY hour in the morning, travel 6 hours (including stops,) see friends and family, watch Angry Baby’s uncle Justin get hitched, party and hit the road back home…turn around and drive 6 hours (stops included) home. Same Day.

You’d think I’d stop there with my insanity. But wait, there’s more. 

I invited my little sis and her FIANCEE(!!) to ride along in the SUV with us. Sis just had surgery on her foot and got the green light for a 12+ hour car ride. Oy. Just typing “12 hour car ride,” made my stomach lurch.

It’s going to be 4 adults and one tuff little customer on the road all morning tomorrow, with a brief interlude of familial interaction that requires Angry Baby be

1. Clothed (THE HORROR!)

2. Quiet and Sweet.

Then it’s back to the car for SIX WHOLE HOURS HOME!

Obviously I’ll need all of you to hold your breaths, stand on one leg, cross everything (even your eyes)…and do the Chicken Dance for me.

Real Talk: That last part has nothing to do with good “road luck,” I just get my jollies offa people making idiots of themselves…why, I’LL BE LEADING THE CHICKEN DANCE AT THE WEDDIN’ TOMORROW!

How will it turn out? Will Angry Baby decide to be a sweet lil’ sweetie all car ride day?

Or will it end like 74% of you a-holes out there hope it does, miserably. And perhaps the most important question of the day, what will everyone think of my outfit?

Oh the questions of fire that you get to sit by passively and watch BURN! As always, I’ll keep you posted on my journey aboard “The Bullet Train to Heck.”

We’re goin’ up the country!

C’mon Angry Baby, LET’S WORK TOGETHER!

Canned Heat? Oh Crib Keeper, you are the living end!

What can I say my darlings, I’m full of giving and surprises!


Clearly, I’m insane. — 4 Comments

  1. I hope the lovely couple does not expect 3 babies to be quiet the whole time! AB, Jackson and Trey’s little Cassidy will be enough humor the whole day. I wish good luck to ALL!!!

  2. Super fun! Front row seats are soooo much better than being far, far away. Unsuspecting fiancée still thinks she’s the sweetest li’l muffin this side of the Pecos. Poor, poor deluded man. Hopefully he still wants to be in our family after this ordeal, I mean, charming family adventure!

  3. Pingback: Oy Vey. | grouchymuffin

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