Ho there movie-goers! It’s your old pal Movie Dude sailin the 7 seas of Shark Night 3D. Arggg!
What’s that you say? It’s not set in the ocean?
Well what about a sea or gulf? No?
A salt water lake huh? In Louisiana? Hmmm….well I guess we’ll try to make that work.
Aiiiyee deah movie-folks….dis here yo’ Cajun Movie Dude with a movie that makes no mo’ sense than etouffee ice-cream. So sit back and laissez les bon temps rouler!
Ok…enough with the Cajun crap. I had the displeasure of watching this movie over the weekend and let me tell you. I was left with a steaming pile of regret and sadness. Let me paint the scene for you:
1: College kids heading to the lake to party. You’ve got your standard contingent… hot girls from wild to mild, assorted jocks, preps, and a nerd thrown in for good measure.
2: Of course they have a super nice lake house to party in that (of course) has no outside communications.
3: Did I mention the run-in with the crazy locals at the beer store? There’s always one of those right?
4: Turns out the locals have stocked said lake with killer sharks….outfitted with cameras….so they can film the gruesome shark attacks that follow.
Their motive? Well it’s a simple business plan really. Here’s how I imagine the pitch went at the investor meeting they no doubt had to fund this multi-million dollar operation.
Crazy Hillbilly: So what we want to do is trap a bunch of different types of sharks and move them to this lake in Louisiana.
Investor: Sounds great what happens next!
Crazy Hillbilly: Then we want to attach cameras to the sharks.
Investor: Wow….pure genius….we are humbled by your brilliance.
Crazy Hillbilly: We figure that those hardcore shark enthusiasts out there would pay big money for shark attack footage. I mean the gory stuff. Real college kid blood and guts.
Investor: We’re sold! We’ll make a mint. With our money and your meth-fueled ideas what could possibly go wrong?
Even if you buy the super lame premise….and the ridiculous motive….were the effects at least good? Did they build some tension before shocking the audience with some good scare-um’s? Unfortunately no. Every death was met with my wife uncontrollably laughing….and no…not with them….AT THEM. Real braying jackass, people looking across the aisle at you-style. What can I say…she loves a good laugh.
My 2 biggest problems with the movie weren’t even anything I’ve mentioned above. First, besides cameras, they must have also outfitted each shark with a tiny jet-pack. How else could you have sharks that not only keep up with speedboats but catch up to them? These sharks were fast I tells ya….Mario Andretti fast. Maybe they got into the hillbilly’s meth stock. Second, you can usually count on a slasher flick to at least have some quality T & A. I mean,
skanks actresses are cheap right? Even a low-budget rap video can corral up some tasty skanks actresses for a few hours. This movie doesn’t even really accomplish this. There are a few OK shots but nothing half so hot as to make this movie watcher come back for a private viewing. (Crib Keeper’s note: EW!)
It just fails….at everything except making the wife laugh her metaphorical nuts off. And while I don’t believe that was the esteemed directors intent, we gotta have something for the MST3K crowd to snark at in 20 years.
Until next time….keep the popcorn flowin’.