Like most of you, when I think of Denny’s 3 scenarios come to mind…
1. Denny’s is the Late-Night spot for teens to drink coffee (and purchase nothing else) until their inevitable curfews.
2. Denny’s is the place where your party of 10 finally settle on for breakfast after you are laughed out of Waffle House (I’m sorry Ma’am there’s too many folks to accommodate.)
3. Denny’s is the restaurant Nana and Pepaw love to eat at. There’s just something about the 1970’s decor that reminds them of a “kinder, gentler” time.
Of course, they still call it “Sambo’s,” but it’s ok. Many old people are racist.
But now it seems, Denny’s is jockeying for a new title: MORBID OBESITY FACTORY!
I’m sure by now all of you have heard of Denny’s infamously decadent Fried Cheese Melt. It danced into America’s collective Artery last August when Denny’s unleashed it on the world. For those of you too busy reading classic literature and eating kale, let me fill you in: It’s a grilled cheese sandwich with and order of fried mozzarella sticks in the middle.
When it was released, I didn’t hate on Denny’s. I loved the “over-the-top” quality of it. Of course, I’d never let it slither across my lips, but “to each his own,” I shrugged at the time.
The other day I caught a commercial for the new Denny’s “Let’s Get Cheesy” Menu and now it’s perfectly clear to me…
Denny’s is not only aiming to be America’s anti-gym, Denny’s is also out to kill every last one of us.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury I give you the following…Note: All of these are part of the new “Let’s Get Cheesy” Denny’s menu.
The Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt
Take a grilled cheese, put a hamburger patty between it, and top the burger with macaroni and cheese and you’ve got a recipe for a coronary.
Let’s just talk about the “big daddy,” that orders the big daddy patty melt. Spoiler Alert: his children will be weeping at his hospital bedside in 3…2….1…
Ouch Crib Keeper, a little harsh for first thing in the morning!
Sorry kiddies, my site my rules…EAT IT!
I showed you the “Big Daddy” because it was the fattened up version of the patty cheese melt. AKA The original travesty that started Denny’s on its murdering descent.
But the next item I’m sharing, really takes the “cheese” cake…I must warn you, your eyeballs might develop a thin layer of grease, just from looking at this next monstrosity.
Winner Winner Cheesy Dinner
Yes, you’re looking at a Chicken Fried Steak, covered in cheese sauce flanked by Mac n’ Cheese and broccoli (a veg, yay!) swimming in cheese.
And then there’s the fact that it’s actually called: WINNER WINNER CHEESY DINNER. I really just can’t with these people.
or course, you could always top it off with some…
Strawberry Pancake Puppies® with Cream Cheese Icing
Deep fried pancake batter, strawberries and cream cheese. Sounds promising, then you add the fact that for a LIMITED(!) time you can get these PUPPIES over ice cream with a whip cream topping!
Enough, finito, dunzo. I rest my case.
Oh Denny’s! You really have thought of everything to expand our waistlines and put us in an early grave.
I have some speculations on what’s next at ol’ Denny’s…care to hear them?
They’ll introduce a new protocol: Hostesses will soon greet you with a pair of sweatpants at the door.
The newest menu will be paper and blank on the other side so you can write and leave your suicide note with the server.
Attention Denny’s: If you want to use the ideas I just lain before your nefarious doorstep, feel free.
No need to compensate me for my strokes of genius, after all we evil villains have to look out for each other!