Last night was the Big Brother finale. You might have noticed, but I stopped posting a weekly update/ snark shooting gallery. Why? Because was just too easy.
While this season pretty much sucked, it did provide some manufactured twists and turns. So I felt the need to watch the entire, drawn out, more boring than watching Jordan eat a bowl of cereal, finale. The finale started with Julie Chen wearing last spring’s clearance polyester nightmare from Burlington Coat Factory.
PRODUCERS OF BIG BROTHER: Please for the love of tea and biscuits, take some of the money set aside for needlessly elaborate and expensive back yard game set ups, and siphon it towards an emergency wardrobe upgrade and overhaul for Julie Chen, AKA THE WIFE OF LES MOONVES, the president of CBS.
Speaking of “huge embarrassing wardrobe failures”…
Danielle, has decided to bite off the Crib Keeper’s signature move: the black hair, blue-eyed, hooker-red lipstick combo.
Take a knee and listen to some big girl talkin’ from the head snitch in charge, aka ME. Stop with the new look. Look, I understand you’re “HARDCORE,” like your Hot-Topic clad rad dad, Evil Dick…but trust me sweets, you don’t have the chops.
Speaking of Evil Dick, I got a sad lump in my throat when they brought him out and interviewed him, to me Dick is the painful reminder of the ghost of the season that could have been. Sigh.
- Watching Beef Jerky aka Shelly, the lying liar, fry under the glare of Julie Chen-Moonves’ HARD HITTING journalism. Shelly crumbled like the dried, old hamburger bits in Angry Baby’s high chair
- Props to Dick for calling Danielle out for her crappy game play.
- Kalia sputtering out some crap about “masters and slaves.” To quote a line from the classic film, The Color Purple, “Harpo, who ‘dis woman?” Because last time I checked Kalia was the most boring and sleepin’ guest to ever enter the Zzzzz….I just fell asleep merely writing about her.
In the end, it all came down to two busty cocktail waitresses, just like all trashy reality shows should end. One with a brain built for science and a body built for
storing leftovers bouncing (did anyone else see Rachel’s victory bounces!? MEOW! ) And the other, with a brain made of sawdust and the body built for FLOATING.
The results were, as they should have been, and always were going to be…
Rachel the Red, Evil Queen of Tupperware WON!
Porsche was punched in the fun bags and came up a big, ugly, useless, loser. Yeah, I know she gets a runner-up 50k…but I know she’ll just blow it on something stupid like a mink bikini and a bra made of pixie stix, so I’m ok with that.
Hooray America! Another victory for the
bad guys winners! I’m so happy that Rachel and her FI-AN-CEE Brendon are going to be rolling in the dough, just in time for their (PLEASE BE TELEVISED) nuptials. One things for certain: the fountains at the wedding will pour both Cherry Kool-Aid and Muscle Milk. They have the budget for REAL class now.
The whole season I was personally rooting for Rachel, because truth be told, I’ve been a big (as her fake bazzooms) fan of hers since last season (SHOCKER!)
While I’m sure there are still tears over good, sweet, Jordan and her golden halos, losing out on a second victory, I’m sure we can all agree on two things…
1. It’s better a vet won than a brain-dead rookie. Even if it is Rachel.
2. It would be heaven to eat a piece of cheesecake off of Jeff’s Abs, and swim in the icy blue ocean of his eyeballs. Just me? Ok fine… I’ll come up with an additional #2. for those who disagree…
2b. that it ruled Jeff won the $25,000
Oh and one more thing…
Greatest Injustice of the entire show: Lawon was ignored. Excuse me CBS, you may need me to point this out, but Lawon is the true star of this HOT MESS EXPRESS of a season. He’s a poet, philosopher and most likely insane.
Picture a beautiful sparkling rainbow of glitter, now imagine the incredible pot of gold at the end of that imaginary glitter rainbow. Lawon’s that pot o’ gold. Oh CBS, I weep at the money y’all are just throwing away by ignoring this National Treasure.
Until next summer, I bid you farewell, my darling guilty pleasure that I hate to love but love to watch. Let’s hope you find a way to apologize to America for the crap-fest that was this season.
Please enjoy this clip of Lawon, he is a poet, finger pointer and hero to us all.