When Angry Baby was tiny, everything made her furious. But nothing quite set her off, like a diaper change. Each and every time we changed her she would scream, throw a fit, go rigid and turn her tiny body up. I dubbed the routine, “the Angry Octopus.” Why? because instantly Angry Baby sprouted 8 arms/legs of rage, the thimble-sided angel morphed into a beast of greek mythological proportions.
Eventually, we pumped enough iron to muscle her down and developed a bit of a changing routine. No matter how quickly we did it, changing Angry Baby infuriated her until she was 6 months old. Then magically, she became completely cool with it.
For months we enjoyed a giggly, calm butterbean on the diaper changing table. I must confess in these months of bliss, I’ve got the change down to a science.
3. Pinch her adorable, dinner roll-like, baby buns.
4. Place clean diaper on buttcheeks.
End of Routine.
Just because I LURVE TO BRAG ABOUT MYSELF, I’ll also share that the average wet diaper change clocked in at 30 seconds, where a dirty diaper, no matter how massive, took 3 minutes or less. Notice how I refered to these stats in the past tense?
These days folks, I got troubles.
It started about 2 weeks ago. Angry Baby decided the whole diaper change business was for the birds, again. She decided to start fighting every single diaper change, again. Like some twisted mythological HYDRA, the ANGRY OCTOPUS has sprouted new furious tentacles and lives, again.
Ha ha ha ha! Serves you right for being such a jerk, Crib Keeper! Say, what’s your “average change time,” now???
Ah, the HATERS…so bad of you to join us this fine morning! To answer your question: I don’t have flipping time to look at a clock, let alone time a diaper change these days. I’m in a living heck.
Here’s the new routine for diaper changes.
1. The moment AB is placed on the changing table, she begins to squirm and yell. The yell turns to a scream. I distract her with the cloth mobile of garden insects that hangs above her table.
2. Remove diaper.
If it is wet, take note at how heavy the diaper is, throw man-sized whiz away.
If the diaper is dirty, get ready to fight Angry Baby. She thinks grabbing her crap-crusted business is hilarious, and hates me interrupting the joke. This fight within a fight, her HAMLET moment, if you will, makes changing dirty diapers A FULL BODY WORKOUT for all parties involved.
3. Clean the business. All of it.
This step is a breeze if it’s a wet diaper, a breeze that involves a screaming, angry, naked, baby.
This step is a horror show if it’s a dirty diaper. Remember how I had you take note of the man-sized whiz in the wet diaper scenario? Well, that same man took a dook in your child’s diaper and smeared it all over the kids lower quarters. That’s essentially what every dirty diaper is.
Spoiler alert: Angry Baby is eating real people food and baby formula (till she’s 1), what that means is her crap looks and smells just like yours and mine. But there’s no buffer of a throne with magical toilet water to mask the smell, mere inches from your nostrils. Oh yeah, and the baby formula adds a certain consistency far more insidious than that of an adult, unless you’re an adult that eats at Panchos.
And now, it’s time to fastidiously clean these disgusting cheeks with nothing more than brute strength, a will to live, and flimsy scraps of moistened paper. FYI: step 2 sucks AT LEAST TWICE a day, if you catch my drift.
Step 3. Pinch her adorable, dinner roll-like, baby buns.
4. Angry Baby, enraged by the squeezing of those sweet cheeks, attempts to throw herself off the changing table in protest. Make sure to catch her.
5. Place clean diaper on buttcheeks. Have Angry Baby demonically fight you the entire time. Diaper will most likely come undone at least once during the struggle.
6. One more thing, make sure to scream “We’re on the same team!” and “I am in charge!” at the wiggling butterbean at least once during the entire process.
End of new/old Routine.
Something’s gotta change, kid.
Yes, I know I’ve just devoted to majority of a thousand words to describing the diapering saga of my child and her cruel return rise to power in the tyrannical role of Angry Octopus.
My site, My Rules. Freedom of Speech!