This will terrify the peanuts out of you!

Sid Haig as Captain Spaulding. Angry Baby has a signed picture of him in her room. Not kidding.

Hi, my name is the Crib Keeper, and I have a problem. I can’t stop watching auction and resale shows!

On my DVR at the moment are no less than 4 shows devoted to hocking, and bidding on other people’s unwanted junk.

In no particular order, on my DVR I currently have…

Storage Wars: Is a show about a group of competing men who bid on abandoned storage lockers. They are ruthless and petty and except for a cool dude named Barry, all deserve the infighting and bickering they incite. This grudge match is on A&E.

Auction Hunters: This beauty is on the Spike channel, it follows two dudes who buy abandoned storage lockers and fence the contents for profit. I love these guys, they are considerate, nice and not nasty, unlike the meanies on Storage Wars.

Pawn Stars: On the History channel, and not an auction show, I consider it in the same ilk. The series revolves around a neat Las Vegas pawn shop where people go to hock pretty rad stuff. I’m in lurve with the Old Man, he’s awesome!

And rounding out the group is the show that caused me to write this post, Auction Kings, also on A&E. Last night I was watching Auction Kings when they auctioned off a Stumpf Fiddle.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

A stump fiddle, for all I can tell, is something that hobos fight over. It’s this odd stick filled with junk to make music by. Think “One-Man Band,” you know, Burt in Mary Poppins??  Yeah, old drunk Burt would be ALL OVER THIS. Just like he was all over Mary Poppins. Real Talk: it always seemed to me that he gave her some good lovin’ in the past and she was addicted to his “Jolly Holiday,” if you know what I mean. Sure, Mary Poppins hid her freak flag in that giant bag of hers, but she was good to go. What can I say, skank recognizes skank.


But I’m getting off topic. Anybabies, last night on Auction Kings, they sold a piece of crap Stumpf Fiddle for 4 times the estimated value. I was flabbergasted. I had to see how it worked…that’s when I had the bees scared out of me.

Meet Hambone the Clown. Hambone is an accomplished Stumpf Fiddle player and the star of all my current nightmares. This clown is CREEEEEEPY. But I gotta say, he lays it down on that One Man Band stick!

Let me just say what you’re thinking…

1. Gotta love a vid where the credits are as long as the action.

2. Pretty sure this creepo clown is an “Amber Alert,” waiting to happen.

3. I wouldn’t want to fight Hambone for the last can of beans on the boxcar, he looks like he can get REAL STABBY, REAL FAST.

4. Can I book this guy for Angry Baby’s fast-approaching 1st birthday party?

And now that I have successfully scared and scarred all of you on this fine hump day, I’m off to have oatmeal and strawberries thrown at me…”Oh it’s a jolly holiday with you, Angry Baby!”

Get out there and kill it today, kiddies (not so fast Hambone, get back to riding the rails you murderous merry maker!)


This will terrify the peanuts out of you! — 5 Comments

  1. Ouch! Feel like I should crawl in a whole, or something…. Just a guy that likes to entertain! Didn’t mean to creep you out. I’ve been trying for a long time to figure out how to make a portable one-man-band thing… I seen one of these on a web page… Thought it would be fun to create one, and be goofy with it… That’s all. The credits (I admit) was a bad attempt at humor. I do like beans thou… The Amber Alert was a little harsh! I have a son, and would not wish that on anyone!!!! Thanks for all your wonderful comments about me…. (A person you don’t even know) Just felt like I needed to defend myself.
    Thanks (I Think?)

    • Hambone,

      1. I love your one man band stick. 2. The credits were not a bad attempt at humor, I got the joke! 3. My appologies on the Amber Alert joke, as you know in the biz of Ha-Ha’s, they aren’t all winners.

      Thank YOU for being a good sport, no need to defend yourself.

  2. Pingback: Tears of a Clown. | grouchymuffin

  3. Hello I am Hambone The Clown in BC. I have tried my very best not to be a scary looking clown. Perhaps he/she has not found the look they were looking for and it might be a work in progress. I refused to put any make-up on because I am afraid of face painted clowns. Over the past 12 years my appearance has changed. Male clowns have to work twice as hard to gain trust and respect only to lose ground by a few bad apples.

    • Greetings Canadian Hambone! I know all about you through previous websearch!!! I am honored to have you and thank you for stopping by! I wrote a follow up to this post entitled “Tears of a clown,” you might enjoy.

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