You asked for a weekly Big Brother Post, and you’re going to get it!
This is not a typical television recap post. I stick to what I’m good at: riffin’ on idiots and talking mad crap about dumb stuff I like.
If you’re hankerin’ for a blow-by-blow recount of the week’s BB events, this is not the post for you.
Without further Adieu, let’s check in on the guests:
Did they switch actresses who play Porsche? She looks like a completely different person this week. Oh, I know! They must have a “Full House” thing going on here. Porsche-Kate Olsen is out working
the corner the VIP cocktail waitress circuit, while the less attractive twin sits in front of CBS’s cameras eating cereal.
Jordan continued her morph into Jessica Simpson, I can’t believe I was rooting so hard-core for her back during her season. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn’t.
Lawon is either doing an act, or he is the living embodiment of Tracy Morgan’s classic SNL character, Brian Fellows. I take that back, It’s not an act: this franken-blazer wearing bell-bottom diva, is strutting straight for my heart!!!! (Did anyone else see the crap he was wearing last night!?)
Dominic AKA “Boring Virgin,” became Scheming Virgin and formed an alliance of newbies called the “Regulators.” The name fits because these nitwits have as much a chance of surviving this game as Warren G. does of bustin’ out another hit sans Nate Dogg (RIP Nate Dogg!)
Real Talk, I already want to forget I ever knew the word: “regulator.” I counted, this week, they said “regulators,” exactly 789 times.
Adam, the man I was born to hate, continued his assault campaign on my nerves. Guess what we were beat with over the head again and again this week?? Adam lurves BACON!
Side Rant: Hey Adam and America, bacon, while delicious “meat candy,” is no longer a cool trend. Listen, about 4 years ago it was the BIZNESS to be all about Bacon, now, I’m rolling my eyes, at the mere mention of the word.
It’s over. Bacon is no longer happening. Sure, it will ALWAYS be the highlight of any meal it is served with, but we’re no longer celebrating it. Bacon is now safely back where it belongs, on our plates throwing shade at the grapefruit. But I’m getting off topic…
Rachel and Brendon let us in on the romantic inner workings of their true love built to last. They had a heart to Silicone talk about plastic surgery. Rachel, the most beautiful Tupperware container to ever come out of Las Vegas’ “Plastic Surgery Discount Depot,” wants more work done. Her fiancee Cro-Magnon Brendon thinks she’s beautiful just the way she is. Rachel disagrees and states Botox should be started in your 20’s. Sigh, young love.
We also witnessed a quarrel between this historic pair: Brendon got offended that Rachel spilled the beans about his sexy petname “Bookie”… am I really having to type this crap? Is this what a college education gets you these days? I’m not going to go on about Bookie-gate, but I will share who I sided with: sterilization.
Evil Dick was back up to his old tricks, until something happened that forced him to bow out of the Big Brother competition. I was in denial for the better part of the week over this just sure they would bring him right back, and last night CBS ripped my black soul to shreds by announcing we wouldn’t be getting any more Evil Dick.
Is it too late to ask for our money back? It’s taking everything in me not to quit. This summer was going to be awesome, Evil Dick had already started spinning his web of evil genius. And now he’s gone. (Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind,” plays softly in the background…)
I WAS going to give Danielle props for the Rock of Love reject skank dress she wore last night, IT WAS SO PUPRLE AND 90’s!!!! However, when Danielle wouldn’t admit she loved her father on national television, the twig tore it with me. As her punishment: I’m going to refrain from telling you that her dress was one scrunchie short of being wardrobe in a Bel Biv Devoe video (AKA HUGE COMPLEMENT.) Honor your father, you whining twit!
This week, I’ve gotta hand it to Jeff, just as the vets and I were starting to eat a big ol’ pile o’ worms, over being Dick-less…Jeff rubbed his 2 brain cells together and delivered one heckuva motivational speech.
To the Vets I say: YOU WILL WIN THIS DICK-LESS! (12-year-old inside of me starts giggling.)
The story I relished most this week? Had to be the unraveling of our favorite future sex-offender, YOUTH PASTOR, Keith.
Keith pulled a Jim Jones and went crazy with paranoia. He was convinced everyone was double-crossing him, when all they really wanted to do was eat cereal and talk about nothing. Looks like the Big Brother House is already doing its magic. What Magic, you ask? Turning nitwits against each other and driving perverted YOUTH PASTORS insane. So long you creepy creep!
But Crib Keeper, what about “I’m so pretty but nice y’all” Cassi? Or Shelly, the lady who is as boring as watching beef jerky dry, (which she also resembles physically), and”Carrie Bradshaw?”
They bore me. I’m not wasting my time on them until there’s drama or something noteworthy. Oooh I have an Idea CBS: Can we negotiate an exchange? These three snoozefests for Evil Dick. Please? We can even dress beef jerky lady up as Evil Dick. She can go do whatever personal business he needed to do.
PLEASE CBS, WE NEED DICK!!!!!! (not what it sounds like)
The highlight of my Big Brother week? As always, it’s getting to see Julie Chen awkwardly interact with an audience she resents.
Fun Nepotism Fact: Julie Chen is married to the president of CBS, Les Moonves. Why in the name of slop is the Michelle Obama of CBS hustling reality television?
Oh well, she’s a gorgeous treasure of a trophy wife and her stiff body language towards America’s least useful live television audience, says it all: “This sherbet-pink satin tuxedo I’m wearing is worth more than your life.”
You, Julie, are an inspiration to us all! As long as we can bask in your lack of camera presence and bathe in your poorly chosen outfits, this summer without Dick, might have a chance.