Good Morning Starshine! I’m going to annoy and or alienate several of you right off the bat this fine FRIDAY morning, by writing about the CBS Reality Television show, Big Brother. My apologies on this post being of no interest to some of you.
Fellow Big Brother Watchers and fans, I’m not doing a traditional recap of the episode, I’m just riffing on what I feel like, it’s not meant to incite Big Brother violence , I’m merely doing what I do best: Talking crap about crap I enjoy. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t watch. But that doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of some idiots on the tee vee.
Last night, was the first episode and I can already tell, this is going to be a summer wrapped in mystery, sprinkled in salt, like a delicious twisty pretzel of deceit. This season has twist on top of twists.
Twist One: It’s a Partner Season!
Twist Two: Veteran all-star couples are back.
Jeff and Jordan: They’re still young, dumb and in love. Though, Jordan is skewing dangerously close to Jessica Simpson territory and might start annoying me this season.
Brendon and Rachel are back. And ENGAGED! Guess what? They are right back to winning. And to all of you haters who hate on her laugh, you’re just jealous. Jealous your bazooms aren’t jello molds and your hair isn’t Kool-Aid Man red.
Ever the scientist, Rachel shared a stunning scientific observation: “I spend a lot of time on bananas.”
Yeah you do Rachel, but you know what? I’m into it. I lurve tacky and wacky. And guess what haters? I HAVE AN ANNOYING LAUGH TOO. So if you’re lookin’ for a Brachel hate-a-thon, roll on.
Danielle and Evil Dick have returned to polarize the country and are still on the outs, boo. That makes me sad, I enjoyed watching them grow close during their season. But I guess if Evil Dick was my pops we’d fight it out too. Oh wait, this is Big Brother, I’m sure they’re lying and tour the countryside making appearances at Father-Daughter dances.
Twist three: Big Brother GOLDEN KEY!
Anyone who survives elimination the first four weeks, cannot be nominated again until they are down to ten house guests. Confused? Yeah, my brain is spinning a bit too.
So let’s get down to the bacon on this big Big Brother breakfast post,
making fun talking about the house guests…
There’s eight rookies this season, and REAL TALK: They seem weak. My bully instincts immediately picked up on the fact they are all lightweights.
Dominic is a hunky virgin who lives with his mother and likes posing with his bike (and riding gear) like he doesn’t live with his mother. That’s all that he brings to the table, for now.
Lawon had me at the Bright green blazer. He’s flamboyant, might be insane and dresses like Joan Collins’ umbrella holder. Lawon and I have a mutual respect for all things fancy and fine. I can tell we’re going to be close.
I already want to veto Kalia, the self-proclaimed “real-life Carrie Bradshaw.”Spoiler alert Kalia: The REAL Carrie Bradshaw’s of the world gave up martinis and “SATC” references in 2004.
Next up is Cassi, a model from Dallas. “I’m pretty but I’m nice, y’all!” Yeah, every season has a looker that models who claims to be a guy’s girl ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, I’m sorry. I just fell asleep writing about her. Also, she’s Olivia Wilde’s doppelgänger, matter of fact she might BE Olivia Wilde.
Side Note: America needs to embrace the REAL star of the show, Cassi’s eyebrows . Cassi’s eyebrows make that “Chola” phase you went through in highschool look like some Masterbrow Theatre shizz. I’m not completely convinced they AREN’T a couple of Tootsie rolls scotch-taped to her face.
Pinto Porsche (yes, her parents named her for the CAR, yay America!) She’s a hooker Vegas Cocktail VIP waitress with a heart of rusty metal. Hay Showtime Perverts: My bet is she’s the first one to show her cans.
FYI: Porsche and Cassi are going to fight it out, thunderdome style. I can just feel it in my bones. It’s inevitable, hot chicks fight other hot chicks, It’s a Big Brother guarantee.
Next up, some lady named Shelly, she’s a mom and outdoor person. She’s already making fun of Rachel’s laugh, it’s day one lady, you have no idea.
Adam is a big fat party animal who loves metal, pretending to be a mastermind, and 90210. I instantly loathe him.
Rounding out the group is,
pervert Youth Pastor, Keith who is one inappropriate leer removed from appearing on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator. PS: he’s lying and telling everyone he’s a “Human Resources Manager.”
Speaking of: EVERYONE LIES ABOUT WHAT THEY DO NOW. I vote that next season, everyone just say they mine gumdrops on Candy Cane Island. Because each season the career lies multiply and degrade. Seriously, I was waiting for one of them to announce they were part of the Mystery Gang.
And what do you do for a living, Phillip?
“Oh I solve mysteries with a crew of meddling kids and a talking dog. We bust old people wearing masks pretending to be ghosts, at broken-down amusement parks.”
The group of Big Brother players would nod and say “Wow, that’s neat,” and totally buy it.
BAH! Enough Already! No one’s buying the sex offender in training, AKA Keith(the YOUTH PASTOR) is a “Human Resources Manager.” “Human Resources Nightmare?” Absolutely. That being said, watching this dip skeeze on the ladies is already hilarious, he’s like a Tex Avery Cartoon Character everytime a person with lady parts walks by him. His eyes bulge and the sound effect “DAH-ROOOO-GAH!” Can be heard in the background.
In the end, the houseguest I hate most, Adam, said the best line of the night…
“It was like Tori Spelling entered the room.” he was waxing poetically about Evil Dick.
This fool has NO clue what foolery he’s gotten himself into. Evil Dick is going to stuff an apple in his mouth and serve him up for Sunday dinner.
But isn’t that the way it should be? A bunch of hogs off to slaughter, blissfully unaware.
Oh man this summer is gonna be great!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ah, Big Brother House, it’s good to be home!