This day in History…

Staring into the gaping maw of another week...

Maybe it’s the collective ringing in our ears from the lectures Dads gave yesterday, but let’s bask in the Post-Father’s day Monday morning hangover.

I’ve decided to class this clap-trap hobo parlor up first thing outta the gates this fine morning. I mean, tons of new folks visit our rolling freakshow everyday, might as well start faking we’re fancy and cultured! It’s too early for Riunite, so you’ll have to drink your coffee out of a heat-resistant wine goblet. We’ve got to ritz up the joint, since we’re cultured now! (wink, wink)

Today we’re going to start with a history lesson. Exactly 36 years ago today, Steven Spielberg’s finest film, Jaws, was released. Jaws is one of the greatest movies ever. I hate how people classify it as a horror movie. True story: when I was a kid, my parents decided to let me watch it, mom kept saying: “You’ll never want to set foot in the water again, you’ll be scarred for life.” Luckily, she was open to letting me dig my own land-locked grave.

2 hours later, I wasn’t terrified, I was SAD. Sad that they killed such a magnificent creature, why for a great white shark/Megalodon dork like me, JAWS is a love story. A love story between a kid who loved sharks and the movie that showed the biggest and fiercest shark Hollywood at the time, could fabricate.

Speaking of fabricating, the Jaws people created a robotic shark they filmed for all of the scenes. The crew and actors dubbed the robo-shark Bruce. Yes, “Jaws,” had a name, and rather than something kickazz like Lazer or Lester, they chose Bruce.

Here’s to you Bruce the shark, I can’t believe you’re 36 years old!

Because he’s not a shark pup anymore, Bruce is very into his health and fitness. Rather than terrorizing the townsfolk of Amityville Island, Bruce is terrorizing the government by sheltering 15% of his Jaws residuals in a ROTH IRA. He’s a shark, so he doesn’t have any hair but he DOES have several furry land-living friends (the Grizzly Bear, Honey Badger etc…) that are starting to reach for the Rogaine. Bruce isn’t about murdering humans with his razor-sharp teefs, he wants to make it to 100, so he cut out humans when he turned 35, now, it’s just free-range organic seafood, raw- never cooked.

Since we’re already this far down the rabbit hole, we might as well go all the way to ridiculous and assume sharks can talk. Not just talk, but communicate in english without the gurgles of water muffling said fictitious words, Bruce would want to say some things to you America.

Bruce would say:

“36 is old enough to stop joking about being old, and start enjoying the life you have now.” He’d also say, “bald is beautiful, Mint is awesome money management software, and for the love of goodness, go back in the water, it’s too hot to be self-conscious or scared of possible sharks!” Besides, people are soooo out of the question, we’re full of High-Fructose Corn Syrup. Bruce only eats raw sugar, on the rare occasion he indulges.

Way to go Steven Spielberg for making Jaws! Sure, it’s no Schindler’s list, but for shark enthusiasts, it’s our Citizen Kane.

Happy 36th year of pop-cultural relevance, Bruce! May the mutual fund you invested in aggressively, yield a high ROI. But remember, don’t place all of your investments in one shark basket. A diversified investment portfolio is what keeps Jaws 2 and 3 in braces, right!?

Happy Monday, Chums! (Crowd Groans)


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