Something Straight from the Vault (aka: my heart.)

Nothin' but love for ya!

Happy Father’s Day Everyone!!! In honor of his day, I thought I would give an extra shout out to my Lover fo’ Life. We’re back from riding the gun ranges and he is taking a luxurious 2 hour nap, courtesy of yours truly. Angry Baby however, is fighting her nap like Brad Pitt fights the hot. I’m  enjoying a litle downtime in the heat of a burningly hot day out.

This is a piece I wrote last October  for friends and family, I suppose you folks are swell enuff to get the goods too! Note: NAMES have been changed to protect the not-that-innocents. ENJOY!!!

The McRib is Back.

Lover fo’ Life  and I share a series of low-grade shenanigans, put-ons, yuk yuks and ongoing competitions in our life together, we always have. When I first moved to name withheld town, almost 7 years ago, one of our longest and most important began.

I’ll never forget it, while driving down I-10 we saw a billboard from one Ronald McDonald that proclaimed: “THE MCRIB IS BACK!” Ever the snarkster, I immediately started ranting about how the McRib never REALLY goes away (Industrial Cafeteria patrons on “BBQ Sandwich day,” you know what I’m talking about.) And more importantly, how brazen it is that McDonald’s trots it out every few months like THEY are doing us some special favor. “Wait, this springy gray meat-like substance formed into chewy “ribs” slathered in a diabetic coma-inducing syrup is only here for a limited time!?” Gee, clown man, thanks. And like clockwork, there it is: billboards proclaiming McRib’s triumphant return from the cloister of exclusivity and seclusion. Whoopee.

But I digress. As I was saying, after I finished my initial rant, and L4L had to pull the car over from laughing until he puked,* we started a game that is so significant I’m writing about it this very night.

McRibbing: The act of manipulating an unsuspecting person to ask a question only to give them the unexpected retort: “THE McRib is back!!!!!!”

Rules:

1. McRibber MUST ONLY McRib in season, once you see the Engraved McRib invitations (AKA Signs/Billboards), the Game is on, and ONLY for the Duration of the limited engagement.

2. If McRibbie gets hip to your ruse before you McRib them, it is an unsuccessful attempt. You lose that round.

3. No means of McRibbing is considered off-limits, as long as you illicit an inquisitive response from your mark- you win.

L4L was the FIRST successful McRibber, he came home from work one evening and had a pale look of dread on his face, when I asked him: “What’s wrong!?” He immediately began to quiver and said: “On the way home I saw an awful, horrid thing…” I of course, being the kind, sweet, loving, supportive, (humble) soul, I am… ran to his side and asked,” What DID you see?” You guessed it; the Boy Scout’s  face lit up like a demented jack-o-lantern, and yelled back: “THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!” Sigh, you never forget your first time.

We brought our family in on it, I would entertain 2 am calls from my siblings, frantically waking me from a sound sleep only for my husky “Huh?” to be met with peels of maniacal laughter reminding me the dreaded McRib was back…in a word it was wonderful. A game for all friends, family and even Co-Workers to deceive each other with.

Shortly after our game began, L4L bought me my engagement ring… a beautiful bauble that was truly beyond anything I ever would have dreamed of. I knew the ring was on its way, as L4L is not a fan of making huge purchases without at least making sure it isn’t something I would LOVE…but I didn’t know when or how he would propose. I envisioned dolphins wearing pink waterproof tuxedos shooting Veuve Clicquot out of their blow-holes to spell out “Will you make me the luckiest man that ever lived in the history of all humankind and do me the honor of marrying me?”  You know, Nothing too ostentatious.

The Monday after my birthday, February 2004, he showed up at my office for what I assumed was our usual lunch and he had a small box (THE box) in his hand. My heart began to leap, this was it…he quietly handed me the box; I noted it was a tad light, but chalked it up to adrenaline. I pulled back the top of the small white box and was greeted with not a ring box or ring, but a small strip of paper that said in all caps: “THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I started laughing. This was good, REALLY good, we were now McRibbing with props, a new level of the game arrived. I looked up to high-five his masterful stroke only to find L4L holding another ring box sheepishly smiling at me, “Well, since the McRib is back, would you celebrate this momentous occasion by spending the rest of your life married to me?” I of course, had no choice when met with this tidal wave of love and perfection but to say, “of course.” And that REALLY IS how he popped the question.

Years of wedded bliss passed… L4L and I found different ways to keep our McRib game full of preservatives and shelf-life, I can remember one particularly good McRibbing  involved my office co-worker’s calling L4L on speakerphone pretending to be some angry executive only to ambush him with “The McRib is back!” Heh heh heh, good times.

But you see, I am a champion, a winner among winners… the Mayor of Victoryville, if you will. I do not have what they call a “moral compass,” because of this, I have NO QUALMS winning by ANY means necessary. Rarely when up against the goody goody Eagle Scout that is my husband, do I lose.

For years it gnawed at me that no matter how MANY TIMES I McRibbed him, he orchestratrated  the most glorious McRibbing EVER (our engagement.) Therefore, he was the defacto permanent winner of our game. Unless I could find a way to outdo him. I let this marinate in my devilishly brilliant, scheming villain’s mind for years. To no avail.

Now, because the McRib is only back for a limited time, we had other projects, games, goals and wishes to occupy the rest of our years…and several years ago, we started trying to have a baby. I will save you the deets, but needless to say, it wasn’t a quick process. February 2010 we were successful. It was as if the heavens opened up, as not only were we going to have the one gift we wanted more than anything for our little family…I ALSO had an epiphany!

I discovered how I WOULD PULL OFF THE GREATEST McRIBBING EVER KNOWN TO OUR GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

With no time to lose, I got to work on my coup de grace, and ordered a custom infant onesie. White, with black lettering stitched in a whimsical, child-like font, it read: “THE McRIB is BACK!” Once I procured the onesie (Shout out to Custom-Baby Boutique!) I stuffed it in a small ring box, put it in my purse and waited. L4L CAME home, got settled,  looked at me and said: “You seem to be acting strange, you are weirdly smiling and laughing, what’s up with you tonight, Muffin?” EXCELSIOR! The McRibbie JUST asked me an open-ended Question! “I’m so glad you asked L4L, I’ve been waiting 6 years to get you back, er, give you this.” He opened the box, unfurled the onesie, read the curious inscription and started beaming…And that my friends, REALLY IS how I told him he was going to be a Dad. Checkmate.

Our Daughter was originally due November 13, but my OBGYN has informed me she will be jazz-handing her way into humanity sometime in October. My brother texted me tonight that McDonald’s sent out a press release: on November 1st the McRib is coming back and for the first time in 16 years, it will be offered at all USA McDonald’s!

You couldn’t ask for more perfect timing. I won’t feed her the disgusting creation, but she will sure look fetching in her “ The McRib is Back!” onesie.

Author’s Note  6/19/11:  I went into labor the day after I wrote this!

(*author reserves the right to use revisionist history.)


Comments

Something Straight from the Vault (aka: my heart.) — 10 Comments

  1. I read this post with such unabated glee that I 1.) Giggled like a maniac at least three times and 2.) Read the whole post out loud to my fiance. The McRib is BACK!!!!!!!!

  2. Pure. Gold. I call the woodlands mcd’s to be told no sir in november. Now i wait and plan and remain vigilant. My mcribbing will be things of legends. I pfft and motion my hand like a king waving away a peasant asking for less tax to your baby births and weddings. Set off your fire alarms and set up a strong and loud music in your house on a timer for 2 AM. Get people to dress up in ape suits and bump rush your bed room making monkey noises as this assualt on the senses rises you in teroor from a dead sleep. When you begin laughing keeper of the crip and l4l is like half asleep what going on. Cackle it is november the first. The mcrib is back. Do it big. You can expect silly shit from me like a phone call going after i have a junk car towed to in front of your house painted like a giant mcrib with the mcrib is back on the side. I will call you and goad you into the open ended question only to say lookout the window.

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