So, my 1st friend from college (a place known for sex, fun, and alcohol) asked me to be a bridesmaid in her June 11th wedding. In my head, I’m thinking, “What the h*ll? I’m no GIRL! I don’t DO dresses!” My mouth said, “Sure!”
As time progressed and the wedding was 2 weeks away, I told myself that I had to start looking for a dress. Crap. That sh*t is harder than I thought! I effin’ despise shopping and for a dress? Ugh. I finally found one a week before the big day. Oh yeah, and the wedding was in Arkansas. WHAT? Why is it there? Who the h*ll lives in Arkansas? B*tching and griping about it didn’t change the venue. Dammit.
I got to Arkansas at 9:30pm after a 6-hour drive only to get lost in complete darkness for 20 minutes. I felt like I was in a modern-day version of “Mississippi Burning.” Every few feet, I would see Bambi and crew chilling on the side of the darkened road and hope none of them would hit the rent-a-car. The few signs I could see were so small, they might as well had not been there. Tatyana, the offspring of 3 years, kept saying, “Mommy, it’s too dark. We lost.” No sh*t, Madame Holmes! After I finally called for directions, my challenged azz STILL got lost. I got frustrated and debated driving the 6 hours back home. The groom came to get me as I was parked on the side of God knows where.
Fast forward to the rehearsal. I find out that day that the wedding is outside. As I finished sh*tting bricks, I prepared myself for literal HELL. The offspring was a flower girl and I knew it would be difficult keeping her sane and manageable in the heat. All I kept hearing was, “Mommy, I’m hot. Mommy, can we go inside? Mommy, I want some water. Mommy, I want some lemonade.” I eventually told her I changed my name and for her to leave me alone until she figured out what it was. Call me Rumpelblackskin.
We go inside and while I catch myself talking to someone, Tatyana disappears. Once I realized she was too damn quiet, I start looking for her. Everyone saw her but had no idea where she went. I see a waitress from the lodge restaurant holding her left hand and her right hand around a cup of lemonade. According to the waitress, Lil’ Miss DIY went to the back of the restaurant where they cook and asked for lemonade. Mommy, or whatever my name was, took too damn long. My bad.
I thought I needed to get barrettes for the kiddo before the wedding day so I GPS-ed Wal-Mart into the Blackberry. Found it, but it didn’t have “ethnic” supplies. I GPS-ed Walgreens. Wasn’t 24 hours like the thousands of other Walgreens in the nation. Trying to find my way back, I get onto I-30 and my GPS says, “Turn left. Left. LEFT!” B*tch, there IS no left!!! I ended up driving 15-20 miles out to another town because Genius GPS was el wrongo. I went so far out because there were no other exits until that point. I knew right then I needed some ruby-red slippers and a dog named Toto because we weren’t in Texas anymore. About an hour later with a knocked out daughter, I finally made it to our hotel. I was never happier to see a Motel 6 until then. In the city of darkness, they’ll leave the light on for you.
The wedding was beautiful. And HOT.
The reception was huge. After food and speeches, the music began. “Play That Funky Music” started to play and Tatyana had the need to dance. Her moves included: The Head Bang, The Alligator Chomp, The Karate Kid, and the Lord Have Mercy.
Here’s a sample of her sweet moves just so you know what we’re dealing with:
Some socially awkward guy with butter yellow teeth asked me to dance with him. Because I always have pity for the underdog, I said that I would. He had his own crazy dance moves, which made me feel ashamed about myself. His included: The White Boy Bump, The Funky White Boy, the Crazy Chicken, and Ballroom dancing. His dancing made me even more aware that I was the only black person there!
So, the offspring hadn’t had a nap so she was restless and all over the place. I was ready to go back to the lodge to put her down. We left in the shuttle and I drove back to our own hotel room and refused to get out in Arkansas anytime after 8pm. Within an hour, we were both asleep.
How I missed home!