Rant: I can’t do this anymore…

Thar, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Blows.

My baby doctor and I share a love of movies and good burgers, and a mutual love for the movie, “Goodburger!” Last fall, he introduced me to my current favorite burger out there, the SmashBurger.

Over the course of our friendship we’ve swapped some great reccomendations…yes, my baby doc is my FRIEND what else do you call a person who has been elbow deep in your ladybusiness?  His introduction of Smashburger to myself and Lover Fo’ Life, is his second greatest contribution to our lives, and I personally believe he deserves the Nobel Prize for Burger Joint recommendations.

I can hear you burger nerds yelling at me now: But Crib Keeper, that’s a CHAIN! Everyone knows you can only get the best burgers at one-off dives. Yes, Smashburger is a chain, but holy cow, those are some holy cow sandwiches they sling!

For those of you that aren’t aware, Smashburger uses fresh hamburger to craft the most simple and juicy, perfect burger. The Smashburger is something special. I’m on a real jag at the moment. Yes, there’s a zillion burger shacks that have won my heart, but if I’m looking for a guaranteed, chain-homerun…it’s the Smashburger.

NOTE: It is NOT my favorite fast-food burger…that will always be the Texas Original, Whataburger.

See, Smashburger is part of the latest trend in charming the dollars rite outta your pocket, fast casual dining. A sit down place that offers premium creations with only the finest of ingredients, at fast food speed. Quality doesn’t have to take any more time than flipping franken-patties at the McBurger drive-thrus. You just pay a little extra for trouble.

And pay for it we do! Each Sunday after churchin’, Lover fo’ Life and I saunter on down to the nearest Smashburger (15 miles away) and enter burger Heaven. It doesn’t matter what combination of delights we choose, all come out winners.

But Crib Keeper, I thought you said this was a rant, do you have something to say, or are you just shilling for Smashburger?

I do, read on.

Several times when spreading the good word of Smashburger, we have received the response: “Really? I like Five Guys Better.” and “Why would you go to Smashburger when you have a 5 guys!?” Five guys Burgers and Fries is a fast casual chain as well, truth be told, it’s the big daddy in the genre.

I’ve been to Five Guys before, and you know what? It’s not even a competition. Smashburger is superior in every way, many times over. We went and it wasn’t that great. Of course, I WAS 2 months preggo at the time, so perhaps I was too clouded by nausea to give it a true try.  

Never wanting to count a burger out without a fair shake (pun and it stays,) Lover fo Life and I set out yesterday to give Five Guys another try, in lieu of our normal pilgrimage to Smashburger. All these people can’t be wrong! Surely we had it on an off day?! Our hopes were SKY HIGH! With open minds and empty stomachs we entered the doors of our local Five Guys, and waited for magic to spark, the second time around.

It didn’t. It’s not even close people. Smashburger out burgers Five Guys in every way, except for the fries, the fries are so different at both establishments, that they are equally awesome in an apples and oranges sorta way.

The Five Guys burger is much smaller, for equal price. The Bun is toasted, but crumbly, the cheese is your standard cheez-whiz american slice, and the burger is not juicy.

That being said, It’s a pretty good “homestyle” burger. What I mean by that is: If I could make this cheeseburger at home, I would never venture out to buy another burger again.

But I can’t make it at home, and I DID venture out.


The Fries at Five Guys, are wonderful.  They’re straight up potatoes washed sliced, fried and salted…so guess what, I’m giving the GLORY TO GOD! God invented the potato and some dead guy invented to french-fried potato.

I’ve had these fries many times before at various legendary hole-in-the-wall burger joints: Nothing new, but oh so good! Sorry Five-Guys, not screwing up a potato doesn’t keep me coming back for your shriveled burgers.

Real-Talk: These measly sliders have the bulk and substance of a Chanel runway model. The Five Guys hamburger is an anemic, sickly and withered, sad excuse on a bun (chooses against inserting a YOUR MOM joke here.)

If you’re going to eat a hamburger/cheeseburger, for the love of sesame, get the best one you can!

To those of you MILLIONS reading this screaming: “You’ve got it alll wrong!” I would like to directly address you now:

Get in your vehicle or mode of transport, locate the nearest Smashburger and eat there.

And if after you’ve gorged yourself on the juicy, substantial well-bunned miracle that is the Smashburger, you Still Prefer 5 Guys?

You’re Lying.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended your crappy taste buds and exquisite pride, here’s a peace offering: Something we can ALL ENJOY!


Real Talk: I lurve Keenan, but Kel was the one who carried them…Now Keenan keeps me in Ha-Has on SNL, I’d super lurve to see Kel these days!


Rant: I can’t do this anymore… — 4 Comments

  1. I agree w/you on 5 guys…nothing special. Have you been to Mooyah? I heart their burgers and fries. Will set a new goal to find and try smashburger though…

  2. Pingback: We ate, we crowded, we conquered. | grouchymuffin

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