POST ON REQUEST: Workplace Bathroom Etiquette WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!


My Brother has requested I talk to you folks about something, and because he’s been such a good sport about MOUSTACHE MONDAY I will, in a segment I’m calling POST ON REQUEST!

Working in an office brings with it a litany of rules, codes and unspoken etiquette, from “Hey, you’re not supposed to eat other people’s lunches, to “I don’t care if you hate Sharon’s guts, you’re going to get in that break room, choke down some dry cake and quickly retreat like the rest of us,” there’s a myriad of things you need to already know OR you’ll look like a total nitwit. Perhaps the most basic and important set of rules is what I’m going to acquaint you with, A-Ball: THIS FLUSH IS FOR YOU!

Workplace Bathroom Etiquette, by the Crib Keeper

The bathroom provides a number of services in the office. It’s a laundromat while you feverishly attempt to clear all traces of that bacon grease with cheese calorie-bomb you gorged on in traffic. It’s a makeshift bedroom when you’re trying to shake the hangover from last nite/ are at work feverish seizing with the chills because you can’t afford to miss a day heck, the place would IMPLODE without you. It’s a work-avoidance Spa, remember the horrible ear chewing that important person to your specific situation gave you earlier on the phone? Not when you’re in the bathroom Oasis! You know how you just can’t put in another set of integers without getting away from it all for a bit? The bathroom is sometimes the only respite you get. Because of the crucial part that bio breaks play during your day (that rhymes!) It is important to YOUR HEALTH That you READ AND REMEMBER THESE RULES:

1. Speed it up. No one likes to dump in public, especially at a place where your bowel movements could be the fodder for office gossip. If someone is doing their business while you are in the restroom, for the love of goodness HURRY UP AND LEAVE! They are most likely holdingback until you leave, so hurry.

2. Don’t talk. The bathroom echoes like a sonofagun and/or is the size of a postage stamp, nobody likes talking in an office bathroom.

3. Kindly develop Bathroom Amnesia. You don’t know anyone in a bathroom, and no one wants to know you. True story, my best pal in the office and I accidentally met up in restroom one day. We both looked at the floor and pretended like the other didn’t exist.


4. Courtesy.

FUN FACT: In college I lived at a community-style bathroom Dorm. My freshman year, I had what you would call “performance anxiety.” A group of my friends convinced me it was not a big deal, “people understand because, everyone has to go at some time” and they cheered me on not to be afraid. The next time nature called, I walked down to the bathroom, did my business UNASHAMED, I was getting ready to go, when some TOTAL SNITCH(!) came up to my stall and started making LOUD toot noises. I didn’t go to the bathroom for the remainder of my undergraduate education.

ADDITIONAL FUN FACT: My first Corporate job, I made a run for the restroom after a lunch that included CURRY (gasp!) luckily, I was a grown adult so what little leftover performance anxiety I might have had was cancelled out by necessity of business. After I was done, and was able to regain my composure some TOTAL SNITCH(!) Came in to wash her hands and gruffed: “You could have at least given me a courtesy flush!” I replied: “Listen, it was a courtesy that I even made here, so GO FLUSH YOURSELF!”

Courtesy my friends, don’t taunt people doing their duties. Don’t make loud groans as you open a bathroom, and don’t go yammering to everyone in the office that the “new kid is insane because she takes dumps at work.” It’s not like I had a choice, YOU SNITCH.

True Story: she was fired eventually, and I took over her responsibilities, how’s that for a “courtesy flush,” snitch?

It’s not rocket science people. Actually, maybe we can employ all those soon-to-be out of work space folks to start working on public restroom privacy. Until they invent the answer to all of our problems, let us simply remember the rules I have lain before you, together we can wash away office bathroom drama and heartache.

Do you have a “Post on Request?” Send me your requests and perhaps you might see your very own desired post UP IN LIGHTS!


POST ON REQUEST: Workplace Bathroom Etiquette WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE! — 10 Comments

  1. Brilliant! I think I’ll start enforcing the rules with an air horn. That would scare the isht out of folks… Literally!


  2. Fun fact about my hubby- he enjoys pooping at work, because then he’s being paid to take a shit. Thinking about it that way seems to take a little of the performance anxiety away…
    And I hated community style bathrooms too. But- I did think it was hilarious when, while I took way too long brushing my teeth and washing my face and plucking my eyebrows some embarrassed girl would be sitting in her stall, determined not to leave until I was out of the bathroom! Hahahaha!!! Haven’t you read “Everyone Poops?”

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