My First Glaring Failure as a Parent


Here your beloved host is pictured about to torture an audience with a Christmas Play!! Oh I'm in there, Find me!

HA! you nosey little Roseys, I KNEW I would get you with that headline.

I already have something I’m HORRIBLE AT, parenting wise. I’m sharing my struggle with you today, as I promised I would be honest with you about life. So here it is:

I, the Crib Keeper, cannot bear sitting through lengthy children’s performances. I won’t go into details, as I don’t want to hurt poor little innocent children, and the adults who worked so hard to make the thing that I went to happen.

I understand when Angry Baby is older, I will love everything she does and enjoy even the longest of recitals. But I didn’t realize UNTIL she is older I will have to develop a tolerance. tolerance? Crib Keeper, it’s just kids doin’ stuff. Look, I told you when I started this clap trap hobo parlor, that I wasn’t a nice person. So I hate on kiddie showcases and plays? It comes naturally to a selfish jerk like myself.

I know what you’re thinking, JUST SMILE UNTIL IT’S OVER AND CLAP! I did that, and my fake smile gave out after 20 minutes. The clapping stopped after 30. The sitting still stopped at 40 minutes. By an hour? I was reduced to the mental maturity of a 10 year old boy.

Before I had a kid, I zoned off, played on my phone, daydreamed about how AWESOME whatever kiddie performance I happened to be at would be when I was a MOM. 

Now that I’m a parent. Something biological prevents me from openly ignoring these children, even the ones who are screeching, mumbling, crying and picking scabs on stage (or wherever venue they happen to be “performing.”) It’s like my attention is unwillingly taken hostage (redundant and it stays!)

Surely I’m not the only one, or maybe I am. I know all you non-parents out there feel me. And to all the parents of the future that I saw blissfully scrolling through your phones during that thing at that place I went to on that day, ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

(photo from the Crib Keeper’s personal vault)


My First Glaring Failure as a Parent — 2 Comments

  1. I’m sure it will be different when your muffin is the one picking her scabs on-stage. When I taught, I loved watching my kids perform. Especially the choir- singing kids make me cry. Yep. I’m pretty much a huge sap.

  2. I have a friend with two daughters who still dreads going to those things. She loves her girls more than life, but I get those texts that read: Dear God, please make this end! and Bless her heart, my child cannot sing. This is going to be a train wreck.

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