Come Aboard, we’re expecting you…

Get your grouch on!

Greetings and Salutations. Do you have a kid? Were you ever a baby? Do you cringe at screaming children? If you answered “Eh, I guess so,” to any of the previous questions, then you have come to the right place! Through my nimble fingertips and the hearsay of the interwebs, we will take an unconventional journey.

Everybody is lie tellin’ about babies. The disheveled yet blissful glow of new parenthood that popular culture sells us is fake and not grounded in reality…surprised? Um, no.

Parents gloss over the dirty details of kidditry all the time. Mostly it’s because they know you don’t want to really hear all about Junior shot-gunning vomit while he simultaneously peed all over your 1st edition Superman comic, (or whatever treasures you accrued before the bambino came to be.) Parents know what the public wants to hear: cute, vague, and DONE.

But it doesn’t stop there. Parents refuse to be real with other parents when presenting themselves online. Nobody wants to say: “My baby is a real jerk.”  I guess I understand that, it makes enough sense. But what does that leave? Basically, we have an internet filled with flowery descriptions of cherubs, and angelic little magical beings that are summed up in perfect little snapshots shown for all to gaze lovingly at.  People will document each and every POSITIVE thing about babies, but there aren’t a ton of people saying what is really going on.

Which leads us to the multi-million click question: why I am here talking to you at this very moment? I recently had a baby. A baby mind you, that took the better part of 4 years to get here. This baby was planned and is very loved. If you understand that today, moving forward my honesty can be taken in the context it is given. Just because I love my six month old, doesn’t mean she can act like a total chickweed and I’ll take it without thinking to myself, “THIS BLOWS!”

The truth is, having a baby sucks on so many levels you don’t fathom until you have or spend several hours/days with an infant. It must be also mentioned raising a baby rules in ways I always that can’t even be put into words (snarky or otherwise.) Nutty huh? Way to contradict myself from the get-go, right? Hey, I have to be real about the bad and the good!

So here at this anti-“mom blog” (Ed Note: I’m not anti-mom, I’m referring to the”mom blog” as an ADJECTIVE, NOT NOUN! (More on that later.) My mission is simple, be real about baby crap and all that implies.

I’d also like to help you waste time. I won’t just post about my Angry Baby, I am going to send whatever I find interesting (provided I’m motivated to post) your way. It’s likely that if you are reading this, you are either: 1. at the office avoiding that thing you are supposed to do, or 2. at home…avoiding that thing you are supposed to do. The internet is a marvelous place to kill time and shirk responsibility. I will give you something to mindlessly surf if you will do me the honor of dip-doodling around here on a regular basis to see if I posted anything new. SPOILER ALERT: I will post everyday if you care enough to read it. BONUS OFFER: you can read my posts in any state of undress (OFFER IS GOOD FOR IN HOME READING ONLY…BTW: if you are nude right now, I hope you are at least sitting on a towel, you sicko.)

And another thing, this site is meant to be driven by user content, if you are the parent, teacher, relative or just an innocent bystander of an angry baby, I welcome your stories, thoughts, tips, videos and pictures. “I don’t know the half of it?” Tell me all about it honey, I’m here to read, laugh and learn from all of your angry grubworms. No sense in re-inventing fire or discovering the wheel. 😉

Just in case you were wondering, I refuse to have an us vs them mentality between parents and non-parents, we’re in this together. Angry babies affect us all!  If you have never been in contact with a child let alone been one yourself, no worries…you’ll get a kick out of laughing at others misfortune. Everyone leaves a winner, a veritable, “happy ending!” (Getyourmindoutofthegutter.)


Come Aboard, we’re expecting you… — 3 Comments

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