Hot Skittles: Coming to a Trash Can Near You

It’s safe to say that (so far) 2017 has been the year of terrible decisions. Even popular culture, our brief respite from the soul-crushing day-to-day machinations of this world, has failed us.

This is egregious.

Between the Dirty Dancing TV-Movie Reboot, rompers for dudes, and Katy Perry’s unfortunate haircut, this particular pop culture cycle is rife with horrible choices.

The makers of Skittles and Starburst, beloved sweets designed to sweeten sour times like these, have decided to heap another abomination upon us, meet SWEET HEAT SKITTLES (also Starburst.)

No Ma’am.

For the none of you who are interested, the new flavors have proportionally zany names like: Pipin’ Pineapple, Flamin’ Orange, Blazin’ Mango, and Sizzlin’ Strawberry. With all those apostrophes and gs left off, they mean serious flamin’ business!

Allegedly, hot and sweet is a thing in food trends right now, but Sweet Heat Skittles are completely unnecessary. Skittles and Starburst are staples of snack, to besmirch them by adding the mouth assaulting tingle of spicy is unforgivable. While it’s reported that the heat builds, I imagine it’s a nightmare on the other side of things, if you know what I mean.

#mybiscuitsareburning

Before all you hot candy nut jobs out there start whining about what a delicious combo pepper and chocolate are, save it.
I’m not opposed to sweet with spicy confections, it’s the pairing with established brands.
Sure, Starburst and Skittles come in a variety of flavors with special offshoots like this nonsense, but none of their previous offerings involved me potentially clutching my antacids afterwards.
On the bright side, these gross missteps might help up your prank game.
Just dump ’em in the company candy bowl and take over/under bets on how long before Cheryl from Accounting starts having “hot flashes.”
As for me and my family, we’re a non-spicy fruit chew crew. I like my Skittles like I like my spinster librarians, plain.

Zzzzzz

In closing, I’m going to make my one and only statement about the internet virus that are Romphims, AKA the Kickstarter-funded playsuit for men. The only rompers I want to see men rock are coveralls. As Francis Buxton from the Cinema classic, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, best demonstrated, there’s nothing more dashing than coveralls paired with a manscarf. BE GONE!

SWOON!

All of this!