Forget Elf on the Shelf, Say Hello to WHORE IN THE DRAWER!

Happy Monday you beautiful babies, boy do I have a SPECIAL TREAT for y’all today!

Years and years ago, when I was in College, I was part of a lounge singing duet. My partner was a hilarious and devastatingly handsome manchild who truly was/is my comedic soul mate. We called ourselves Lizzy and Dizzy Starlight. Our story was simple, we were a road-weathered divorced couple, who hated eachother, but LOVED to lounge.  Our act was a runaway hit and we toured various dorms and frat houses with our lounge versions of current hits.

In real life, Dizzy became a news broadcaster and eventually became a big wig at his city’s television station, where he still is killin’ it today. Because of this, I will not reveal his name, as his latest comedic exploit is not as family friendly as his beloved audience has come to know him. Dizzy, my fictitious ex-husband, sent me an email last week that explained he had an NEW IDEA that was sure to put that creepy assed Elf on the Shelf in his rightful place. Today, I’m proud to share Dizzy’s brilliant idea, WHORE IN THE DRAWER!

Her name: Boniva Thunderpussy. Her occupation: party girl. Her dream: find a sugar daddy to support her lifestyle.

Day one: Boniva had a wild night. She loves Jack Daniels and nostalgia. So – what better way to spend a Friday night than reliving the 90’s on VHS while chugging booze?

Ta-Da!

Ta-Da!

This silly Whore in a Drawer still wasn’t awake when Dizzy Starlight went into the den this morning. She b*tched and moaned as he started trying to clean up her vomit from the night before. Dizzy stayed up to watch ‘Empire Records’ with her – until she started gushing over ‘Sexy Rexy.’ It was already 3 am, and Boniva was cruising Craigslist for a man. She kept rewinding the tape to find the ‘Say no more, Mon Amor’ song.  Her stud had to look just like ‘Sexy Rexy’ and have the full Nirvana music catalog. She was unsuccessful in her attempts, so she just made love to Jack Daniels.  It was a sweet, passionate night / morning – until she vomited on Dizzy’s cashmere throw.  He’s still pissed.

Tonight – she plans to hit up Jack again, only she said she’s adding coke.  Not coke a cola ….. COKE.  This b*tch is crazy, but she said if Dizzy lets her crash at his place until Christmas, he’ll get a big surprise.  Hopefully it’s not herpes!

 

Dizzy Starlight is a former lounge singer turned southern gentleman. He’s been described as the male Julia Sugarbaker – only with better skin. He enjoys helping others – which is why he has allowed Boniva Thunderpussy to invade his antebellum home.  He hoped he could change her whorish ways, but now he’s just trying to make a buck off her antics to recoup the liquor costs he’s incurred because of her.

I do declare!

I do declare!

STAY TUNED! I’ll Keep Updating this post with Boniva’s naughty antics.