Hello there my dearest readers! It’s your negligent and half-witted pal Cribsy, dropping back in to plop some steaming nonsense down your chimneys! With Christmas less than a week away, and Hanukkah ending tomorrow, it’s safe to say that we’re hitting an end of the Holiday shopping season which means that, IT’S PANIC TIME!
Fret not my pet, Santa Cribsy is here to share some
terrible wonderful gift ideas for the people you hate are obligated to buy stuff for. You see, I love scouring the internet for beautiful wares to share!
Let’s kick this awkward holiday party off with the fashion abomination known as…
Have you ever looked at a pair of sweatpants and wondered, “why don’t we take this all the way to the nipple?”
In an answer to the non-existent prayers of zero people, they now make an overall fashioned out of sweatshirt material. Swoveralls- for when you want to give up on life, but refuse to suffer a waistband. Me? I’m a purist, I like sweatpants circling the equator, and dungarees rigid enough to stand on themselves.
Besides, if you lived through the 1990’s, you know that swoveralls are essentially Skidz but boring and with 50% more sweat.
Did I mention swoveralls are 85 bux a pop? Ugh. (don’t) Buy them HERE.
The Licki Cat Brush
Give the gift that says, “I love my cat!”*
*and “I’m totally okay with the fact that when my dead body is finally discovered, the face and extremities will have been feasted upon by said cat.”
Licki cat brush allows owners to brush fur babies with their mouth. Because, when you’ll never know the touch of another human, best to torture kitty with a licking motion that’s inferior to nature’s already perfect cat-cleaning ballet. Cry it HERE.
Roast Beef Bath Soak
Have you ever wished that you could marinate your entire body in the beefy goodness of broth, or enjoy a full-on soak in a nice, hearty soup without vegetables to get in your way?
You’ll be pleased to know that the VERY REAL and ACTUALLY EXISTING Roast Beef Sandwich bath soak packets are perfect for your bloated carcass! Simply relax worries away in the tub, all while you brine your ample rump roast. As much as I want to buy Lover Fo’ Life a pack of this, so I could literally “drink his bath water,” you can’t really consume it. Boo Hiss! Soup’s on HERE.
It’s no secret that office workplaces are rife with douchebags and passive aggressive turds; but when you add useless meetings and mind-numbing paperwork, you get a Hellish cocktail. Often, the only respite from a myriad of soul-sucking shenanigans is a quiet moment savored over a cup of tea. Why not inject your juvenile sense of humor into your workplace bestie’s one and only moment of zen?!
The tea bagger is a balls-shaped tea infuser that you fill with loose tea and steep in hot water. Chuckle with every dunk and rest assured that Cheryl from accounting would not approve. Go nuts HERE.
Speaking of Cheryl from Accounting, HERE’S a bonus gift idea especially for her. I advise you to buy the office busybody a Christmas gift. I’ve found it makes them less likely to rat you out for the bourbon in your afternoon Starbucks, and they’ll often look the other way when you “go to the bathroom” 20 minutes before quittin’ time.
Slam Dunk Toilet Basketball Game
If you’re looking for a way to gift the joy of bathroom entertainment, look no further than the Slam Dunk Basketball game. With 3 mini basketballs, a suction cup hoop, and a basketball court bathmat, this miracle of modern humanity lets you take shots while you drop plops, USA!USA!USA!
I’m not going to dwell on the fact that after 3 shots you’re essentially done with the game because no one is ever going to get off the porcelain hoop mid-poop to retrieve them.
I’ll also not point out that the man in the promotional photo has taken a massive dump on his budding modeling career, which judging by his dead-eyed stare, he already knows. Buy this stinker HERE.
In this season of hustle and bustle, aren’t you glad that we have each other? Sure, we’re not related, but I’m also not loudly announcing what number of alcoholic drink you’re on, bragging about how great my so and so is, or fighting you for the last roll at the holiday dinner table, which is to say, I’m better than family.